Sorry for length, this may end up being a little long. I've already ranted and complained yesterday but just so very erg right now so apologies. Possible trigger?

I feel so alone. I know technically I'm not- I'm staying with people right now, Kate is here but really rough time for her too, Torin and Evan are here. I know I'll post this and it'll probably be read by a few people and that there's a few people on this site I'm pretty comfortable with. I know in that sense I'm not alone.

But it doesn't help in a way. I feel so alone. I feel alone in my emotions and in my memories. I feel alone in my pain and sadness. I feel alone in my grief.

it kind of reminds me of when I was a bit younger and I wanted a penpal. I was too old for one and I knew it was stupid but I wanted one so bad- someone who I would send a letter or an email everyday or something just to say what had happened in my day and I wouldn't feel stupid for doing it because they'd write the first letter. I don't communicate if I have to make the first move.

Memories come back and they don't leave, I backtrack in what little progress I've ever made. Sober? No, I drank today and I'm sure I will tonight. Clean, aside from alcohol? No. Trying a positive outlook? I can't. Trying to be braver and ask for help? Trying to trust people more? How can I? I'm not in control.

I'm not strong. People keep saying that my idea of strength is wrong but this is what has been hammered into my head a million times and it isn't something I can just change my mind about or something. People here give amazing and great advice, and I do read it and think about it a lot, but I feel like I'm held back by the past or something. I can't explain things.

I want to scream and yell and TALK (which I guess I'm doing now). I was taught never lean on anyone. never rely on everyone. Never accept help. Never want or need help. That's what weakness was. I'm screwed up- I'm still trying to live up to what the past wants me to be, I'm still wanting to be accepted and not hated by them. I'm an idiot.

Doctor tomorrow (wish me luck because I have none), can't cancel at this point, stupid bloody eye I have put off forever, I'd describe how it looks but it's just ew. I feel awful. I feel crushed and beaten. I feel like I'm drifting and lost and things inside are so chaotic I feel alone and scared. I keep creating myself problems- wanting to drop charges on someone, wanting to visit my brother in jail, wanting to quit bad habits but not doing so.

I've made this too long, but just to end on a better note, thanks to the folks (you know who you are) who support me on the forums and are awfully nice to me because I don't get how you all tolerate me ((( hugs )))