but... it does...

the waste... that has been my life.....how many times... can I say it.. how many times.. can I feel it...

"get over it"... the message... gotten... and should.. by now.. be received.. yet... here I am... in pain...

can I... do nothing right???

The most painful part of all.... all I had to do is walk out the door... I loved him so very much... and I was a nothing... a mealticket.. a piece of "xxx" to him... my husband..

He didn't love me...he never loved me....

Yet he didn't want anyone else to have me either...

My heart shattered... into pieces... by the decision to leave him... his heart... intact....

Yet.... the aggression... the hiding I had to do.. the stalking.... what was that.....I ask myself... what was that??????

sleeping.. with a knife.. under my pillow... fearing.. listening for the door to be broken down.. what was that...never... really sleeping.. waiting.. for the crash... that always came.. with the door being broken down....

what was... it.. when he shot.. out the picture.. window.. of his ex-wifes..house.. what was that???? slashed her tires... what was that???

My adult son... if I told him... How.. his father was... 24 years ago.. would not believe me... would... blame me...

Yet.. I could provide... past girlfriends.. of my ex.. a past wife.. and they would tell him.....

so bizzare... to sit... at a table.. with a man.. that battered me.... with his former wife.. who was battered by him.. and by his adult daughter... who's ankle he broke... celebrating her wedding... making small talk... so civil... what... was that??????????????

what... is the reality?????

would you sit at a table... of a person... that had beat you... to a pulp??? yet.. there we were... the three of us.... sitting at a table... making small talk.. with the person... who.. beat us...

And... that.. was the expectation.... the Message - we.. the women.. didn't count.. it was OK... to beat on us.....

and... this.... all these memories... triggered... by my son... choosing my ex.... my heart shattered.. my son's... intact...

why... do I not.. learn??

why... am I so very stupid...

I am losing days at a time now... DIDing.... hiding from the pain.......