I have not seen him for 19 days... and I will finally see him tomorrow at 1pm. I need him so much. He has been amazing during the time I was in NY-- allowing me to call as much as I want-- listening to me cry, talk about memories I have with my Dad, expressing every thought and emotion that I have.

I even took him on a "nature walk" with me while I was on the phone with him. A "nature walk" was something that my Dad and I did when I was little. We would walk through the trees and bushes in the backyard (it wasn't like a forest or anything, lol, it just seemed really big because I was small) and my Dad and I would just walk and he would point out different things... so I did this same walk while I was on the phone with T and told him all about it. I felt close to T and my Dad at the same time.

I have both pdoc and T tomorrow--double dose. But I can't wait to see T. I really, really need him.

I can't believe how life can change in a matter of one second. On Sunday night I had a Dad, I was completely focused on doctoral school, and was getting things with my job in order (as far as lowering my caseload of patients and making sure I was caught up with notes.)

On Monday morning and the days following, I have lost my father, my hero, and my best friend. I have missed a week of doctoral school so far, and am completely behind on all the work. I have missed an entire week of work so far, and I have no idea when I will be ready to go back and be a therapist again, who can be completely present for my patients.

The life that I once had is now different. Everything has been thrown off. I will never be the same person because I have lost the person to whom I was closet; the person to whom I was most attached. I don't know what will happen to me.

I just want my Dad back.