My dad was supposedly the most rebellious as an adolescent in his family, so my grandpa was always all over him to make sure he turned out like all his other brothers: a doctor in the field of medicine. ALL my uncles are doctors: cardeologists, psychologists, generalists, and we also have two nuns in our family. My dad is the only one in the whole family who decided to veer off the usual road and study marketing and teaching... Whenever he looks at his brothers and uncles, he sees them as rich, successful people, and he sees himself as a low/middle class person with one income and a big family.

I was also told (to my dismay) that I look a LOT like him when he was a teenager, so my mom came to the conclusion that he's trying to realize his dreams by making me live his life. All those unfair scoldings, those abusive approaches, those mental punishments, everything he's done so far to me was to "straighten me out" and make me more like him so I could choose his dream over mine by changing my way of thinking. And the worst part is... That I was the only one he abused like that out of my 5 other brothers.

I suffered quite a lot when I was small... I remember myself being thrown in the air against the wall, then pulled into his room (while still shocked and scared over what happened) to be spanked around 20 times with his belt... I don't even remember what the heck I did that was so horrible! My face was broken at the very least once a week... The abuse was so bad, whenever he came home from work, I always got so scared, I had to lock myself in my room or in the bathroom or hide before he entered the house, or else I'd feel like my world was ending and my dad was gonna beat me up for something I didn't remember doing again. Hearing the door open was the WORST sound in the whole world to me. I also thought about running away, but I always reasoned with myself: "What good is running away, if I have nowhere to go and no food to eat?" I also remember asking to go to the psychologist a couple of times, but he always insisted on me discussing my problems with him, so I never went to any sort of facility with people that would help me live my life better.

I can't wait to get a job, a car and a house so I can move out, hopefully have a family, and take care of my children the way my dad never took care of me. Whenever I'm enjoying myself these days, after like a few minutes, I always revert to the hollow feeling I have tormenting me, that leaves me in the joyful situation feeling sad, angry and hopeless... Sometimes my hands tremble, and other times I hold back the need to shed some tears so no one would ask me "What's wrong, Cookie?"... I've had enough attention for a lifetime. I also feel hate towards everyone, and how they can be happy all the time, while I have problems even smiling on my own without the aid of a joke. How pathetic of me... I don't even like hugs or kisses.

EDIT: Man, whenever I read this, it sounds like some farfetched dream that I just made up to get some attention... But I remember passing through part of it as a child. Not like consecutive beatings and hits to my face are gonna leave my memory intact, eh?