First, I wrote down very specifically the change I want to make in my life. But before I could get specific, I had to start with general statements. I put these down on paper so I could stay on track, then I started crossing out the extraneous stuff. Did some research along the way.

At times, I had to work backwards to find the root of the problem; like pulling a big weed. You can try to pull the whole root but sometimes that root breaks. If you don't want that weed to grow again, you dig around where the weed came out and you find the part that broke off, then you make sure you get all of that.

The thick part of the root that came up was from the 12 yrs I spent in an abusive marriage but there were some other roots that got left behind so I dug them up. Then it was time to start identifying those roots. Some I'm having to actually disect.

Before the first marriage, there was a tremendous lack of trust on the part of my mother. I learned to be rebellious in order to protect myself and because I knew I wasn't "bad" like I was believed to be.

There was the root that was the abuse from my childhood and then the lack of protection and validation. There was also the learned response to keep my mouth shut; to keep things to myself because it wouldn't do any good to say anything, anyway. I wasn't believed.

All of these smaller roots have also become triggers but tend to either get lumped together or the PTSD reaction isn't nearly as intense.
Still disecting the smaller roots to make sure there is nothing I leave behind.

Hope that by posting what I'm doing to disarm my triggers, I can help others do the same to theirs. I really do believe that the abuse and victimization continues as long as you hang on to your triggers and use them as excuses and/or reasons for some behaviors.

I don't want to be vicitmized any more! And I certainly do want to be the best ME that I can be. By reacting to triggers, I can cause pain in others and that's the last thing I want to do.

:Heart: