Hello everyone....I'm fairly new to the site, I suppose. I've had an account for approximately 2 weeks, but I have not posted much...

I do not really know what to do right now...I'm very stuck. The little part of what remains of my consciousness wants to disappear, but I'm trying to hold on the best I can. Another part of me just wants to go back into reality, but I know that if I did...I'm not sure if I can survive. My mother is an example. She feels everything so strongly, and she suffers so much...but she is strong, though brittle. Me, though...I am sure I will be destroyed by the flood of emotions that I have sealed away. And the part of me that has been sealed will probably be released. He is reckless and filled with anger, and somewhat a child. He is restless now...and yearns to destroy something, anything. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let him out. If I abandon myself though, what is me will die forever. But if I do, everyone else will be happy. I will be able to do what others want me to do, but I will lack a conscience...That I know. I would be cold and both selfish and selfless, but I would be able to melt into society well, I suppose...I cannot tell my parents this. If I try, they laugh and get angry, saying that I have nothing at all to be sad about or so forth...That was what they did when they discovered that I was cutting myself. My mother cried, but afterwards, whenever she got angry at me or she and my father were lecturing how I have never experienced any pain, she would always laugh mockingly and say "She is feeling pain! Just being lectured right now is painful to her!" or something of that sort. Of course, I've never told them the real reason why I cut, but if I did I am sure she would be even more mocking.

Now, my mother is telling me to do "everything you can to focus," but I can't...She has all but prohibited me from cutting myself, and that was how I focused...If I do that now...I don't know...But if I do not focus soon...They have already decided my future for me and had knocked down everyone of my aspirations. Now is a crucial time...I am already a sophomore... What should I do?