Hello all...

It has been quite some time since I have visited this site and feel once again compelled to do so now.

Ever since the onset of my illness the elephant in the room has always been the possibility of a predominately psychotic illness, the name of which is rather irrelevant. Reviewing my symptoms my psychiatrist and I have concluded that my illness has been predominately psychotic. Why would I be writing about this now, after all my blathering about diagnoses? The answer is to be revealed shortly...

My intelligence has been a subject of debate in my mind and seemingly in my mind only. Everyone I have into contact with has labeled me as a genius besides my father who is mentally abusive, even though he has not denied my intelligence. I have always put faith in the suggestion that I am rather idiotic.

My main concern is mathematics, a subject that has always fascinated me. In college, assuming I reach that point, I would study Literature, Philosophy and Advanced Mathematics. I have no problem with either literature or philosophy, considering that I can read about any text fairly simply at my age of fourteen. Mathematics is more of a concern.

I was excelling in mathematics until 7th Grade when my symptoms started. Missing the core mathematical education necessary, I have fallen behind slightly. Review should take some time, but I imagine it will not be long.

The biggest concern is my ability to solve puzzles, spatial problems or board games, the first two things I never really have practiced. If this should be the case that I practice and become better then so be it and I shall. Spatial problems are more of a concern than the others. I have always not been exceptional in solving visual problems. Perhaps this should have been an indicator of my later descent into madness. My IQ at the start of my life was reasonable around 140 - 150. Since that time it has declined, but perhaps this is simply my inability to perform well on something so standardized. I have recently read that one's IQ is relatively stable for the remainder of their lives. This therefore is not consistent with my lower scores later in life. If anything now, considering the psychosis and the inevitable neuro-degeneration I am around 130 - 140. Still, this does not make me a genius of any sort and therefore incapable of achieving even the slightest of tasks. Did anyone of any sort achieve anything significant with such meager scores?

I do not consider myself knowledgeable or practical by any means and attribute that as well as my insufficient intelligence to my failures. Of course, I was accepted into a gifted elementary school, refusing to go only on the basis of the children that were snobbish. Even the High School I go to now is fairly rigorous and I seem to have no real problems quite yet. These things are very confusing.

I wish to achieve greatness even with my psychotic illness but do not see the inevitability of it. I listen to non intellectual music yet balance that out by listening to classical music just as often. I have non intellectual friends or relatives in the area I live now (United States) yet love to read intellectual texts, usually comprehending them and speaking intellectually when not around those who cannot understand or when I simply shut down my intellectual side in fear of failure. Does this make me a psuedo- intellectual or simply one with more problems than others? All of these things are so perplexing...

Psychotic Phil.