Hi all, got another update for you...I'm posting in this thread rather than the other one due to some of the issues that came up. Today all of my co-workers were back, and we decided to have a meeting among ourselves.

First shocker of the day: the co-worker who got married a couple of weeks ago is leaving us in two weeks to take another job. I can't blame her (there have been a lot of layoffs in our office lately, plus she has a masters and was offered to be director of a non-profit...she'd be crazy to turn that down!). But what got me is that I overheard her tell one of my other co-workers that the incident that I spoke of earlier in my post was what really encouraged her to look elsewhere. I felt horrible--to think that it was at least partly my fault made me actually feel ill.

I didn't let on that I'd overheard this, but when we went into our meeting I got a pretty thourogh talking-to. The co-worker who was in the meeting with me and our supervisor the other day confessed that on that day, she was furious with me, and could barely gather the strength to talk to me a few days afterward. She then said that she'd forgiven me (and the supervisor) since then, but reinterated that she was upset. Fair enough, and then the others told me about how what I'd done made them feel that I was tattling on them and making them seem that they weren't doing anything. They then added that to them, work was very important, but that family was first. Then we came to the issue of withholding information--something that I didn't realize was a problem. Apparently, they were upset that information that I got (though meetings with the head office, e-mails,etc. about events, possible upcoming things, answers to certain questions) wasn't getting to them, and that I wasn't sharing this info with them as a team. Now, I certainly didn't do this intentionally (and told them that), but to be perfectly honest...I couldn't argue. A lot of this had to do, I suppose, with feeling that as the contact, that it was my responsibility to staff things, and "use"the information; I can only describe it as overwhelming feeling to "fix" everything and to be in control. In reality, it's the feeling that I'm weak and NOT in control at all that probably drives that feeling. That, and the fact that I could really see through this information how much of a control freak I apparently really am And I felt incredibly selfish, especially when the others talked about their commitments and asked me to please consider them and their lives before deciding that I have to decide something without asking them about it first.

All of this was very painful to hear, but I'm glad that we took the time to let everything out instead of letting it fester any longer. We were still having difficulty coming up with an answer to the weekend thing, but we were able to come up with some new procedures on how to share info and let everyone in on event scheduling (if we need to speak to the supervisor we do it all together, if the head office calls for an event I'd tell them that I'd get back with them that same day, instead of saying "yes" automatically, etc.). So we did come to a common ground, but I sense that there's still that bit of anger floating around.

Now.. that leaves me and my issues. To tell you the truth, I feel quite uncomfortable, and unsure how to proceed from here to change what amounts to a good part of my core being. How do you break out of being selfish when that's been a part of you for so long--I'm an only child and so is my husband, so you might say that I've been used to doing things for myself and having had to be independent by need. I was part of a very small family and don't have the circle of friends and family most people do, and for the first time in a long time I feel resentful. Maybe that's why I felt so angry originally, that I was reminded of how little I've got going on in my personal life right now.

Sure, I can do the usual things that workaholics are advised to do like leave the office on time, not work overtime (not that I can, anyway), and so on, but mentally, that "driven" feeling is still there, even when I'm not at work. I've tried taking classes, trying out volunteer work, and so on--but I still can't get my mind off my work issues. I'm having trouble finding good concrete advice (even from a therapist!) on how to actually stop and change that pattern.

I used to pride myself on being a good, happy, caring person, but today I stopped to ask myself if that's really true, or if it was a cover-up for a person who is a lot darker, sadder, and meaner than she realizes. What's worse, I don't know the answer. :icon_cry:

Anyway, thanks again for listening...