Oxbowgirl, I have always been a sad person with lots of fears and pain, so I sympathize with you now and I hope you will be encouraged here by all of us. It doesn't matter how you dissociate, or not - you are welcome here. I have felt very safe and welcome here too. So ramble if you need too - who said brevity is the only way to write? No one did. Take all the time and letters you need to pour out your soul and someone here will be kind to you. I can't fix anything, but I can care about you as a person like myself. Hugs!!!