Quote:
Originally Posted by Ltr2Hermione
 There's gotta be people out there... other people who feel like this or maybe people who don't.. but PEOPLE somewhere!
I didn't leave the house since last week. I've just been so down and I wondered if meds were contributing to it. I decided to take myself off of the xanax and vicodin. OMG.. it was NASTY. I just adore withdrawal.. anything to cause myself more discomfort.
Ok.. so exercise is good for depression, right? After staying in and sweating and vomiting it out for 5 days, I DRAGGED my sorry ***** into a shower.. put on my gym clothes and sat in the car with it running for 10 minutes before I got the courage to drive to the gym. It's amazing how bad one's heart rate gets if you leave it go for a week.. I couldn't believe the numbers.. I didn't care though, I just put on my music and walked. I walked uphill and fast and slow and level and uphill, uphill, uphill until I was dripping with sweat and out of breath. :deadhorsebeat_4: I'm always walking uphill.
I put on good music, but it was 70's stuff - and I kept flashing back to very bitter/sweet times. I just did what I had to do, got to the car and put on some Stones for the ride home. I made it home before the tears came.
I don't feel better - why did I bother? T is away so no appointment this week. I'm supposed to work with my trainer tomorrow (I called off yesterday). How can I get up to go work out when I can't go to sleep though? What good is it anyway? I still gotta dump 30 lbs and I can't. You'd think that losing all of this weight so far would have brought me out of this FUNK, but it's no better. Before I could say I didn't have a life cause I was so big. Now what do I have to hide behind?
Think I'm tired of being alone all the time- the empty, saggy feeling of a lifeless house. All my pets are gone. My daughter moved away, and although I live in the same house with my xhusband, I only see him long enough to put a plate in front of him when he gets home at night. He sits out here and eats then goes to his room and that's fine. I just stay in prison here.
I have no friends. I sorta got with an old hs bf for a while (long distance thing), but he treated me like total crap - THEN dumped me! I'm such a jerk. LMAO I'm so stuck here forever. :Bang-Head: Yea.. believe it or not I'm like middle aged here!!
There's gotta be people out there!
L |
You can't see us though cause we're hiding. I've barely left my house in three years. I have a slight fear of starving to death so I get it up and do make it to the grocery store once in a while. I have no friends or I'd probably ask them to go for me. My car is barely 20' from my front door and sometimes I run to get there. I feel like I'm on anther planet at the store.
My bed is my best friend. Excersize, what is that? Typing on this keyboard...... I have a three story, three bedroom house and I live alone in two rooms. I do make it to the kitchen, and bathroom once in a while. I look out the back door at the foot high grass and the overgrown gardens I used to love and I have no feelings at all. My nieghbor takes pity on me and mows the lawn once a month, and I've never thanked him. All the time I hear from my mom and sister, "you've just got to snap out of it." So much so, I avoid THEM now.
No person without these feelings can understand, since we all live in our own shells of reality. I ve stopped trying to explain it to the yawning faces of the listeners, ( why do their watches get so interesting?).
Yeah, we're out here. No one can see us though, cause we're hiding.......
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And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too...I'll see you on the darkside of the moon......