TRIGGER!!!!!!!!!!!

please please only read if in a good place !

Therapy today .... it just came out. I have this memory, i've told t and a few others about this before. My abuser was a hypnotist/psychologist. This is hard. He messed with my mind a lot, which is why i suffer with dissociative amnesia. This memory is of me being around 10/11, i am dressed inappropriately for my age, in the 70's baby doll very short nightwear was fashionable, i was wearing a yellow one. This is the hard part takes deep breath ....................

i was sitting on dads lap facing him, there were others in the room ....... i can see his face, i can hear voices, the rest is foggy, i think they are encouraging me.

Did my abuser lead me to believe it was my dad (hypnosis, he hypnotised me a lot)or was it my dad ..... my therapist asked me what my gut feeling was, i said my dad .....

because my dad has always been emotionally cold towards me, and even now, he knows what happened, he knows what i am going thru ... he still never contacts me. I'm wondering if this is why. My mum and dad had parties, just a small group of about 8 friends ........... my abuser was ALWAYS a big part of these, hypnotising, giving lectures etc .... i know it's easy to over think, but just these memories coming back ....and the voices, something else that made me think was ..... this is hard too....... when i was around 17, i was in my bedroom with my b/f, you know, we were pretty heavy petting for want of another phrase .... there was a small gap running down the door between the actual door and the frame .... i saw someone watching ...... there were only my parents in ..... i wonder if they were both involved or something .....

My step brother always said my dad had sexual feelings for my step sister who is a lot younger than me ..... alarm bells rang,Truth is, until this fog lifts from my brain i just don't know. My t asked how i was feeling when i left ...... she likes to make sure i'm ok ..... to be honest i'm numb right now .......

I dont always tell hubby everything, but he became angry in the car and told me never to feel guilty about not contacting my dad or step mum again ....... but what if it was my mind all messed up, i just dont understand why dad is avoiding me at this time ...... is he scared I'll remember .... did my abuser mess with dads mind too? He was one sick and evil person ..... could he have done that to get some sick pleasure himself? He seemed to like making me listen to him and mum for 8 years in between abusing me .......

feel sick, sorry, ty for listening ..... just messed up. Jin xxunno: