in my opinion, i no longer "switch". or maybe i do. i just "drift" or "am" or somehow... i don't know.. i can't keep up with me.

the other day i was searching for an apartment with my boyfriend and i remembered that sometime before august 26th he told me we were going to get money from sweden (he played a gig there and the organizer promised to pay for our trips). i had checked my bank account and had not seen the transaction. so of course i was passively mad at him for a few days, until today..

i asked him what happened to the money. (after taking a tranquilizer - i was so afraid he was going to say "you didn't get the money because they didn't like you" or something) and he said that he had transferred the money to my account in july!

man, am i confused. i feel so lost, so helpless, unable to be "normal". thank god i'm on sick leave.. i couldn't cope with school now. i haven't been able to do that in ages.. what have i become?

i used to get straight A's in school without even revising for exams. now i can't even handle school.

and the mental health folks who i see every now and then want me to go out to do things with people. i hate people! they are pathetic and they don't understand. i just want to be alone so i won't make any more mess. i don't want to be confused any more.

i just want to.... be...

i thought it was all over. i thought what i had was not really DID - just some crazy thing that can't be explained. that it was just psychosis. maybe it is. i don't know. but i posted this here anyway because i felt this place was more appropriate and because i _still_ associate this incident with DID.

oh i don't know what i'm saying anymore.. i know there's nothing you guys can do about it. and i don't expect you to do anything. i just wanted to get this off my chest s'all. thanks for reading.

katie & the rest