Oy.

I went to therapy today. We sat on the floor. I colored and he looked through a DBT workbook that I bought for myself. It was a very gentle session. I told him on the phone before I went AND while I was there that I just needed a session where I felt cared for, felt like someone else was in charge, felt nurtured.

Near the end of session, he wanted to talk about the hugs. So, pretty much right after I made a comment about wanting to sit there and feel cared for, he said he wanted to talk about the hugs. He asked how they feel to me. They feel fine. I told him they feel fine, and that I feel surprised that they feel fine, because earlier in therapy, I would have lost it if he even patted me on the arm. I thought that would be it, but he kept talking and talking, words words words words. I told him he was TALKING TOO MUCH and I wasn't even following him. I told him he didn't have to hug me, it's fine. He asked where that came from. I told him his words were overwhelming me, and it's just not that big of a deal. He brought up the ASSHOLE MINISTER who provided "counseling" for me in high school and who ended up taking me to his apartment (when we were supposed to be going out for ice cream) and to his bed. He said he wanted to keep talking about the hugs because of that - because I probably felt safe then and I wasn't safe and because he wants to be sure I feel safe now. Or something like that.

I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM RIGHT NOW. He knew that I needed this one session to feel safe. The last two sessions have completely overwhelmed me. I just needed to feel safe and cared for. He didn't need to bring that up TODAY. I go twice a week. We could talk about it anytime. ANYTIME. I was sitting there feeling safe and he took it away from me.

I threw my coloring books in my bag and told him I was leaving. He said something like "I ruined it". He DID ruin it. He told me it's okay to be angry at him. Well, duh. I know that.

I know I'm overreacting, but I can't get any perspective on it to see why I'm reacting the way I am. I have no idea. Which is why I'm typing this here - to see if someone can think through it with me.

I have NO DESIRE to call or e-mail or see him. Which is really unusual for me, usually I call right after session to process the session.

My feelings are hurt and I'm sad to the point of tears. Or am I angry to the point of tears??? I can't identify my feelings.

If someone can help me think through this, I would be so grateful. If anyone wants to bash my therapist for the hugs, please don't do it in this thread.

Thanks.