I went to college for the second time this week, today, thinking everything would be ok..

But.. When it came to bands being picked.. It all went wrong..

Luke (lecturer) always separates guitarists, drummers, singers, bassists etc. into groups and then picks four people to choose people to be in a band with.. So this happened.. There are 3 singers altogether.. The other two got picked, so I was just left there standing looking like an idiot. I knew I'd have to go to the 3rd band, but didn't move until they said something.. normally, they'd say "come on then, you're in our band" in a cheery sort of way.. But this time, no-one said a single word to me.. Luke told them I was in there band and they still said nothing.. So.. I kindof feel really pushed away and left out, like no-one needs/wants me in the music group anymore..

I felt like a rubbish singer, like everybody is putting me into a false sense of security when they tell me I'm an amazing singer, like they're lying to me to make me feel "better".. I don't know.. I think I'm a good singer because I have got through auditions and stuff and into the top college course, but nevertheless.. I feel like people in the group are pushing me out and I don't quite understand why..

I hate this.. Everything's going so, so f*cking wrong recently and I don't get why!! I feel like it's akk i deserve, I feel like I deserve to die and like everyone should hate me because I hate myself and don't give a s**t about myself, I always put others first, but then they disagree and say I should care about myself and I don't deserve all of this s**t..

This is so f*cked up!! Why the ***** is there always something having to go f*cking wrong???!!! I feel like I fail everyone, like I'm just not good enough for anyone, like no-one wants me here anymore.. I feel like I want to die, like it's the only option now..

I had plans to die last night, btu that failed because people were texting me.. I have plans to tonight, and the urges are getting stronger and stronger and stronger.. I don't know what to do..

I just want to break down and cry and scream and shout and smash stuff.. Which I never ever do..

What do I do?

IU'm panicking every night and every time I go into college now.. i break into coughing fits because I can't breathe properly.. I almost cry and shout at people.. It's so f*cked up, I'm so f*cked up..