AAHHHHHHH!! (excuse me - i just had to do that for starters)

my boyfriend found an online diary i had kept from march to august (2008). i've written about EVERYTHING in it, positive and negative. including how it bothers me that his "friends" don't greet me, how i think he would love me more if i looked more asian, if i was prettier, and that i wanted him to hate my alters so i could scream at him for being unfair and not understanding.

and how i wanted his friends to like me, i wanted him to like me, to have his friends tell him he's lucky. i wrote this in there in these exact words and now he's read it. i feel so foolish.... especially on the "i wanted them to tell him he's lucky" part.

i wrote most of this stuff in april or may so now it's a bit outdated.

but i still feel so foolish! he's not making a big deal out of it though... but he sent me an e-mail with quotes from my diary and THEN HE WROTE HIS REPLY.

i have written in the diary that "if he finds this diary, then so be it. i'm not afraid to discuss anything i've written about." but the truth is - i never knew he would find it. and now that he sent that e-mail - i'm afraid of discussing the matter(s).

especially the friend matter - and my delusion where i think he wants me to be more asian, since he is very into japanese and korean culture.

now, this is the only place where i have privacy.

HE'S READING THAT FRICKIN DIARY. and it bothers me because diaries are kinda private. i KNOW it was online and therefore available to the public... but still. i feel so stupid

(no, he didn't snoop - he found the diary because i told him about the website it was on, and my screenname there is pretty close to my usual one)

may i sleep for three weeks please?