Wow.

Well, it was really, really hard.

I realized that I have been burnt so many times in the past, and part of me is just like "let's get AWAY from this guy" - despite all of the kindness he has shown me, the connection I have felt at times, all of that. That part showed up for therapy today. I told him that as far as I'm concerned, he's just "some guy" and I don't really know what I'm doing there. I told him that I felt like he had fooled me into thinking he cared - or I had fooled myself - and that it's easier to just believe and accept that I am nothing to him.

He seemed very sad. He told me that of course he could understand why I felt like that, because I haven't experienced being cared for...and the times I thought I was being cared for, I did end up being very hurt - physically and emotoinally. He talked a lot about how this could be different - that if I can stay, and not run, that this could be a different experience for me.

As I sat there, I started getting a HORRIBLE migraine. I wanted nothing more than to just close my eyes, but I knew if I closed my eyes, it would be too easy for me to just dissociate and leave. It was such a struggle. I would close my eyes for a second, feel myself leaving, open them, feel the searing pain in my head. It was making me panic a little.

I wanted to just lay my head down, but I know that laying my head down makes me feel so young, and the young part of me is the part of me that feels safe and loves him and trusts him and I didn't want her there. It was such an internal struggle, and my head just got worse and worse while I sat there not knowing what to do.

He turned off the really bright lights and closed the blinds a little more so there was just a lamp on. He asked if there was anything he could do that would make me feel safe enough to just be able to lay my head down. I finally gave in and kind of curled up and laid my head on the pillow.

And of course, immediately, young me was there and I could feel a physical pull between me and him. I could feel the connection. I just started talking - about how I want to matter, I want to be loved, I want him to care, I want to be special, I want to be his favorite. I could hear myself saying it, but the angry, cynical part of me just felt like it had receded so far I couldn't get to it anymore, and I was left with vulnerable, little me.

At the end of the session, I did let him hold my hand for a second. I left feeling very sad. I'm not sure why. I haven't quite had time to process it, or figure it out yet - and I took some seriously powerful drugs for my head when I got home, so there won't be any real processing going on until these wear off anyhow.

I guess in the session, I really felt the hurt that is there deep inside of me - the hurt of growing up without love, and still searching searching searching for it. The young part of me wants it so much. I guess it just hurts.

I'm not sure if I've said anything that makes sense here at all, but anyhow, there's the update.