you should never be concerned about posting your problems here......can't you see by now how loved you are here and how concerned everyone is for you?.......from everything that you say, i think you have a very severe case of depression and should definitely have a good talk with your T (have you started at a new clinic yet?)......and also re- evaluate your meds........and just out of curiosity.....may i ask your age?......you know.....when i read a post like this from you....it makes me cry to know you are going through so much....you seem like such a sweet man.....but do you realize what a talent you have for writing????..you can make me cry...and then make me laugh out loud just by your clever use of words.......i pray that somehow you find some peace of mind.....much love and concern....julia