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Hi, I got myself "into" something here that I didn't feel comfortable being involved in...
I wasn't sure what I was feeling was ok or not but knew that I just-had-too-remove-myself from the situation... I'm still not sure exactly why I felt the way I did, and am still looking at it....I felt perhaps...maybe...I shouldn't feel the way I did, but I did and I decided I had to respect the way I was feeling....I think it reminded me of a sort of mass hysteria where everyone begins to feel one way because everybody else is feeling that way and the way everyone is feeling just didn't feel right to me...I neeeded time to think it out...
I think this helped me though bring up the topic of intimacy with T though. Yes T is back and no I didn't fall apart...well not yet...I keep waiting for "it" to happened but...no...I seem to have held myself together enought this time...It just felt like picking up where we left off ...and I've read that is a healthy place to be in therapy...
So back to intimacy and feelings...done some real honest self revealing with T and then I said that sometimes words don't do the feelings enought justice...and thats when T said, thats why the silences are good sometimes..its good to just let things be as they are...she asked me what else do I do apart from journalling? I said, nothing, I am not artistic in the least....I said I can draw match stick men...T said well sometimes that can be dramatic also...
Made me think...so today I went out and bought a big sketch book, crayons and some water paints....not sure what I will feel the most comfortablist doing so will have a go at both things...
I did do one sketch today and I am amazed at what came out off ot...I'm not talking about the end quality of the end product which looks childish in nature..but how I felt about it as I did it and as I looked at it and the more I looked at what I had created the more was being revealed....
I was and sitll am amazed at the results I achieved emotionally...it feels like I revealed something so deep and honest with T and how it feels when the we both sit with it in silence...thats just how it feels...
I use to say to T in the early days that I feel when I'm with her shes pushing me on my bike as I learn to ride it and when she goes aways I come to a halt..and she said one day you will be off and riding faster than what I can push...I remember thinking, oh that will never happen..but today after how I felt after I sketched that picture, and knowing how I kept in touch with myself during the break from T I realised how its that part of us inside that is what therapy is about...almost like the cloak of my past plastered with all sorts of nastiness is gradually shedding its pain and revealing the secret inside, the secret of the golden soul...the journey within...I am in there...I can feel me...I AM because I just AM..
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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