Well what can we say???? we want to apologise to everyone who was in chat this morning. What we remember is rage extreme ucontrollabe rage----a feeling that we just dont do. We lost it that is all we know--lost it big time---and we know that by the way we feel right now. Seen by the team and they increased the meds---slept alot---they seeus again later. Team feel we hit some sort of crisis--we not trying to excuse our behaviour. We feel that we havehurt some very special people with our rage!!!!!

For us RAGE==HURT==RAGE==HURT this iswhy we not do it sat on it for so long and fel like it exploded---hoped that rage would nver appear again we were wrong--IT IS HERE IN ALL ITS MAGNITUDE--DONT WANTIT WANT TO GIVE IT AWAY---HATE IT---BUT ITS HERE AND HERE TO STAY.

With rage comes flashbacks and with flashbacks comes rage a nasty and vicious circle turning the rage on ourselves causing us physical pain. NOW we feel the physicale pain of what we did last night---the scars will heal but deep inside the rage burns away and never heals.

Head feels ike it will explode--driving us crazy---switching between others never trusting what we do or say, not remembering being places, not remembering what we should know and finding ourselves in places when we dont know how we got there or how long we been there---very frightening and no control.

The final insults came head to head when our good friend died--we were numb and then our children went to stay with their dad---well the ones dad the other born as a result of voilent rape---a final insult---our trigger who lives in the house but who is not to blame ---but us we see our child and we remember that dark and lonely night when we were so so stupid.
Flashbacks rage through our body in the sights inthe smells inthe taste and touch reminding us of the evil thing we did. Flashbacks ravage away and remind us of the shameful and disgusting things we have done.

The children came yesterday and again today now they can come no more until we no longer feel this rage when will thatbe we not know.
Out of control nce more---no control ---more meds --other shsifting everywhere--paper drawings writings toys scattered everywhere imposing in every room.

It scare us mad and so we decide that for now we need to be looked after by our people, we not be in chat, we will view the forums
and read any pm's that may be sent-----that if we not been kicked out

And so finally thank you too all the truely wonderful supportive people who kept us safe, held our hand and guided us through the rage. Thank you all so much for all that you have taught us which we hope wil help while we walk along this long scary battle to find ourselves.

Please try to remember this:
we meant you no harm
we meant you no pain
we never wanted to make you scared
we want you all to be safe

so please accept that these apologies come from deep within a breaking heart. we seek your forgiveness. we hope that some day soon we will be able to come back to you ,chat with you, luagh with you and cry with you

((((((((((((((((((SAFE HUGS TO YOU ALL))))))))))))))))))))))))))

we will never deny who we are again!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((mandy liz pat donna and kay)))))))))))))))))))