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I've been married 34 years & been with my husband before that since we I was 15 & he was 16 (do you think it will last?) yet I am still harboring the same fears, insecurities as you are. I think I put so much of my self worth into his love & acceptance of me (almost like a father figure in my case since I didn't really have any parental love) that I am so much looking for cues: is he looking at other women, is he doing this, is he doing that, to the point that the triggers are getting closer & closer together & I feel like I need to live in a box except even my thoughts can trigger the anxiety.
He has been faithful to me (I know this in my heart) but somehow that is not enough. I need to know his THOUGHTS are always true (never glancing at another woman with desire or even appreciation--how realistic is that??); I want to control his BEHAVIOR (I don't want him to linger over a commercial or whatever that features a pretty girl (well, I'm pretty much lost there as that is all they feature nowadays); I want to control his OPINIONS (There is too much sex is movies that is not related to having a loving, committed relationship--I guess lust oriented which is the thing I most fear).
So through my DBT group I've had to learn that I CANNOT control his thoughts, behaviors or opinions & that I need to build up my self-respect & my opinions & thoughts & values are valid even if different from his (the dialectical part). I don't need to convince him to agree with me, but if our values are too different & cause me too much distress (like if he were looking at porn--sorry--I know people say it is OK, but not for me--) that is something that I realize would make me have to end the relationship as it causes me too much distress & disregards my values.
As far as real paranoia--an example of mine: I would be at a night meeting & call him during break & get voice mail & freak out. He's supposed to be home. Where is he? Immediately my mind had him in a bar picking up a woman as he knows my meeting (in this case out-patient treatment for bipolar disorder will last at least 4 hours) so I call again & again & get more agitated & convinced that he is “up to something.” So on the way home I am trying to use some of the tools I’m learning in the out-patient program (what a concept?) & thinking: OK, what EVIDENCE do I have that he is at a bar or with another woman—that the voice mail came on; has he ever done such behavior in the past? No; Am I normally over-reactive? YES; Should I wait for explanations before I jump to conclusions (usually negative & extreme conclusions)?
SO the final conclusion was that he was on the phone with one of our kids & then the voice mail automatically kicks in when the phone is busy… Meanwhile, I was ready to divorce him if I had not gone through some rational thinking.
But it you see definite “signs” as other posters said I don’t think that is paranoia. I think that is your intuition & intelligence. Don’t ignore it. I’m just saying what a true paranoid person can act/think like. Hoping to get better & seen some improvement through DBT.--Suzy
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