I didn't know where to post this... yet I feel... so terrible... I wanted to "get it out there"....

I feel where this post belongs is in the DID.. forum - yet not really...

I am DID... yepper... and on the severe end of DID....

I entered therapy.. almost 24 years ago... and when the Therapist told me the DX... he said the good news is you are not "XYZ"...and the bad news is that you are DID... the good news that I was not "XYZ" - was because that is considered incurable ... those are HIS words NOT mine... and remember this was 24 years ago.. in a very conservative area.. where mental illness.. was not acknowledged..

My first T.... "became a running loop"... about how lucky I was that I had DID - that it did save my life... BUT more importantly... it was curable...

The "cure"... was to be 7 years long... and then I would be what is called "integrated".... the average length of time.. HE said... was 7 years...

So 10 years into therapy... I have been working my tail off.. going 3-4 times a week... putting alot of personal money into it... going lunch hours.. because I was a single parent... waiting for the "cure" to happen..trying will all my might to do what I must do.. to get this cure to happen....

This was before sites like this... before the internet... before.. you would hear anyone talk about disaccosiation in general....

It was called MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder....

So... from the beginning.. I got the idea.. that the magical "cure" was out there - once I "found it".... things would be wonderful..

Should I mention at this point that my T.. married one of his patients???

I quit.. him..

And found a T that worked with children - he took me on.. though did not "do" adults..because I have child alters.. I told him I did not want to focus on the "cure"... I wanted to learn how to live life.. calmer... focus.. on what I can to make life better..

Things were better.. and then he took after 3-4 years a management type job.. he was gone..

so there were therapists here.. there... Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Current time... my T - I have been with for almost 2 years - he treats DID.. is good... has treated one other DID patient thru to integration....not 7 years.. I believe 14.. or 17 years...

And.. its BACK.... "THE CURE"............

INTEGRATION - the cure all for...everything that ails you.. as a DIDer...

And my frustration level is rising.. and rising.. and rising....

And I tried talking to him about it... how it makes me feel.. that there is this "cure"... and I am supposed to know how to get it... but keep failing..

And I asked him... please.. please ... could we not work towards integration... but on just everyday things..

The answer "NO"......

So... I feel... lied to... that there is this mystical cure "integration"... and... when I entered therapy.. I just wanted to work on managing my life better - our agreement...

And.. it "hit me like a ton of bricks"..

there is "no cure"......lied to by my first T... lied to by my current T...

I don't know how to explain it.. to others what a profound impact this has on my thinking... and... yes how "stupid" I feel for believing this for 24 years... and not questioning.. always.. working.. and working towards a goal... that I cannot possibly ever obtain...

So... my T... and I are at a real impass.... I say there is a .001 chance that I will achieve.. this.. thereby impossible by definition... and he saying "everything" is possible...

I don't know what to do... truly... with my life.. with my DID... with everything... it is as if the blindfold.. has been ripped away from my eyes.. and I can see...for the first time in my life.... and everything is "foreign" to me... because I have never "seen" it before....

What am I looking for.. in this post????

Help.....what do I do next????

quitting therapy after 24 years... would be a major.. major adjustment...

finding a new T.... well have been thru alot of T.. in the area... and was lucky to find this one.. that takes my insurance....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......