I am going to confess this to T tomorrow, I think, but I have to get this off my chest.

I think I have developed a problem with taking pills. It started this winter when my middle son had gum surgery - long after his pain was over, he had some leftover liquid codeine - I took it for an acutal migraine, with no other thought or intention than to help my head feel better - and lo and behold, there was that warm feeling that my addict mind craves. I guess that was in March.

I have very easy access to various things - hydrocodone, muscle relaxers, tramadol - and I have been taking them more and more and more. The past couple of weeks have been particularly bad. And the past couple of days, I've wanted to take something RIGHT when I got up in the morning. I try not to take more than the normal dose (not that there is a "normal dose" when you're taking it for no reason!). Last night, I could barely function because I was so thick headed and sleepy and queasy.

I know I need to stop. But it's scary. I felt so horrible last night that I felt like it would be easy to quit - and I still feel that way today, my head is POUNDING and I'm fighting waves of nausea. But when this horrible feeling leaves in a few days, will it be so easy then?

I am having a hard time living life on life's terms. I have PTSD and the anxiety that comes along with it. I feel like I'm on the edge and barely able to cope - I don't know if that's "me" or the things I have been taking. I need to be a good mom for my kids, and in some sick way, drugged me - who is calm, and pleasant - seems like a better choice than scared, anxious, PTSD, stressed out me.

Blah. There's my confession.