Hi,

Something serious is going on with me, and it has been going on all of my life. I was sexually abused as a child by a friend of the family, but other then that my life was great. Except for the fact that I have a twin brother who is bigger and better looking then me, and I was always constantly compared with him (usually negatively) by other people. E.g. Oh they are so cute… but SiVA is so much smaller then the other twin. (SiVa’s not my real name… part of the paranoia I guess ).

I used to use drugs a lot as a teenager and young adult, so I always thought that was the problem. Then when I stopped using (7 years ago) the problems didn't go away. I tried to ignore them until recently.

I first thought it was Social Anxiety Disorder, but after reading up on some personality disorders it hit closer to home.

Here are the symptoms for Paranoid Personality Disorder (taken from mentalhealth.com description) that apply to me, and my comments:

1. suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her.

My Comment: it's mostly just "deceiving". In social situations I always think people are talking negatively about me.

2. reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events

My Comments: over analyzing what people say, and take it as a threat

3. persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights

My Comments: If someone insults me, or otherwise, whether they are joking or not, it will pre-occupy me for weeks, sometimes crippling me so I just lay in bed depressed. I can't tell when someone is joking or really insulting me. I NEVER forget a person who does this and it affects my future relations with them forever, because I can’t let go of it.

4. perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack.

My Comments: Usually when I come back with something it's overly aggresive or too passive. Most of the time I just don't know how to react or what to say when someone is teasing me or insulting me. Maybe because I can't tell the difference??

4 out of 7 symptoms.

Now on to Avoidant Personality Disorder:
1. avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

My Comments: I work from home, and communicate with most people through email. I couldn't get any further away from people .

2. is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked

My Comments: I'm not sure about this. I don't make any attempts anymore with people, whether it's striking up conversations with a stranger or whatever. I just wait till others approach me, otherwise I keep to myself.

3. shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed

My Comments: My wife complains that I don't open up to her. Sometimes I feel I have no emotions when I should. My grandmother died, but I didn't cry. I can't remember the last time I cried.

4. is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations

My Comments: This is the main reason why I thought I had Social Anxiety Disorder. Anytime I'm in a social situation my mind is constantly pre-occupied with thoughts that others are mocking me, or looking at me because I'm so small (30 yr old male at 120 lbs, 5' 5", although I have a pretty boy face which is the only physical attribute I have that I consider might be appealing to others).

5. is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy

My Comments: same as above. I feel inferior to others because I don't feel like a real man, or I don't know what to say.

6. views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

My Comments: Same as above

7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

My Comments: This is one of my biggest problems. I’m smart with my business, and I have great ideas. But I’m not willing to expand (hire employees or seek out investors/business partners) because I feel like it will put me personally at risk… risk of being judged by people or being humiliated. Because of my inferiority complex, I think I’ll fail with my business relationships. Ironically, I tend to be very risky with Money and investments, and extreme sports.

Wow, I have 7 out of 7 symptoms here.

This is the most I’ve ever communicated about my problem. So thanks for listening...

If you have any suggestions on where I should go from here that would be appreciated. I would also like to hear from others with the same problems on what support groups they use on the net. I think talking with others will help me. This is just the beginning for me, in talking about my mental problems (this is a mental problem right?).