Well, today was my meeting with my super and with the program super. The meeting started with a list from my super about faults, concerns re: my work. Okay, a written page. I made a comment to the affect of "great way to start a meeting" So we went through the list and I got to address each f up or concern. Mostly I was fine, not defensive. The cell phone at meetings thing was hard. I have a need to know my kids can always reach me and it is a hypervigilence thing from PTSD. So anyway through the list we go and then it's time to talk about what is wrong with me and what I need for accomodations. My immediate super made an inappropriate coment about how I have expressed to her that I do not like when she comments on my weight. I told her it was personal and private and felt like an invasion. She got it. So then I try to explain the whole thing about my memory and depression and PTSD. I say that I am "spacey" at times and explain a little about the continuum of dissociation. I explained that I do things and don't remember or forget to do things. I asked for a hand held tape recorder and understanding. I explained that all of the info coming at me was too much and that I would like it to be organized. I explained that it was overwhelmoing to get all of these sheets with changes etc. I asked that it be compiled for me. I asked that I not be sent confidential work stuff at home, that it be sent to my office or central office and hand delivered so I didn't have to think about work at home and getting stuff to my files. I tried, in vain, to explain my need for a calm, organized work space. I explained that I did not speak with colleagues in the old building because there just wasn't space but that I really needed to have a work space and one storage space that was mine. I had gotten and loaded and unloaded this modular desk with shelves/cabinets to keep the multitude of forms and the manuals in. I had set up three work stations for the three of us in the field. I had asked for a desk draw for just my stuff like pictures, cards, kotex, my stamps. The director started in about how she felt like that work space was not welcoming to anyone else and she felt like I had designed it for myself and that I should be having stamps in the office. I explained that I have to requistion stamps and that colleagues just use and don't replenish so if they are office stamps others need to order. I explained that I had asked for a desk top organizer so that pens, white out, stickies, staple remover, colored dots etc could be within everyone's reach. I explained that the other alternative was 3 metal desks and that they would not fit or serve anyones needs. Anyway, it was so hard to be accused of being selfish. I had taken a tiny work space and was being very careful to stay in that space and leave the others free. I labeled all of the forms and such. labeled the draws with contents and left the drawer for different files of forms on the floor as a co-worker was always complaining and I told her that she could organize any way she wished. Remember please that this drawer was mine initially and that this has changed as we use the satelite office more. I used to be the only one. Please also understabd that my 2 colleagues have home offices as well where they have all of this stuff. So, the subject changed and my super went through this thing about how she had been mindful of how to present the fault, problem list to me and that I had made the comment about what a great way to start a meeting. I said to her that it was not about her, tried to explain it was about me and she had done nothing wrong, tried to explain that I hate being a screw up. I was cut off and became very emotional so I said I can't do this and left. I went up 2 floors to my office(well, not mine) and proceeded to move my work and personal things to my old desk, a wooden table, small, no drawers. I shreaded the pictures and cards I had kept because I felt it made me too vulnerable and made things too complicated. I put all of the "joint" stuff in a drawer and took what few personal things I had left like kotex, and put them in a stationary box on my desk. They came up as I was trying to unscrew the keyboard tray from one work station as director had complained. They said they were sorry I had felt badly and my super said to think about moving my space. I stated that I would not be accused of being selfish and that this was best. I was pleasant and mannerly. They left, I cried with one of my board members who was overwhelmed with my feelings, can't blame her. Told her thanks for listening. Called a friend who came and got me an hour later, called in for messages and called in sick for the rest of the day. My friend gave me a shelf for my desk and I went back to set it up and came home where I am now hoping I can sleep until tomorrow. Took drugs, lots, to sleep for 12 or so hours. Called T and told her, she understood, the whole reason I was asking for support is because I know I am not doing my job well and need support and accomodations. The worse thing that anyone can say to me is that I am selfish. BIG TRIGGER. I live my life trying to be caring of others. I earlier called my co-workers who are in the field and very innocently asked how they liked the space and could they find things okay. I mean for crying out load, I labeled each thing. They were both kind and stated that it was my primary work place and I should get my needs met there. I stated to them that I wanted it to be a welcoming place where they could get what they needed and work a few hours when meetings and other necessities demanded. They were excited about the space. I feel vulnerable, hurt, like I still want to send them objective stuff about PTSD and my hypervigilence about my very troublesome family. I left them messages and want to sleep now and move on to tomorrow and carry on. Yes I feel very hurt. I was the only darned person to do any of the moving and sorting etc. It was my poor back and running back and forth and sorting through copious amounts of crap. The only things that were moved for me was a large locked file and the heavy wooden desk/table. I took the chairs out of boxes and set up, I arranged the set up of the modular. For crying out loud, I was a very valued, overly functional employee for years and now this? I am hurt. Many drugs on board now. I will sleep. It pays to not show anyone where your vulnerability is. I am an emotional wreck and I am scared.