I am in the same boat you are. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. I was the one who knew something was wrong and read and researched. Once I came across the symptoms of ADD, it's like someone had been living with us and observing him. I went to the family doctor who thought I was terrible and just wanted him to behave the way "I wanted". After extensive testing, it was confirmed that he had ADD. He was labelled a "slow-learner" as a child and went to a special school. I started to notice other symptoms that I didn't think were ADD related and thought it might have something to do with his childhood. Then I read about Asperger's Syndrome and I am certain he is also dealing with that. He has great difficulty managing money (like your husband) and couldn't sit still if he had to. He is constantly cracking toes and moving. He never, ever looks relaxed. He is horrible to sit beside in church or a theatre production. He looks at people around and behind us in church which is unnerving to people who are trying to concentrate on singing, and wonder why he is looking at them. Then he stops singing and has to refocus himself to find out where we are at. We went to go see Phantom of the Opera and it was pure torture. I couldn't concentrate on the play because of his incessant fidgitting. I can accept the fact that he is unable to control some of this, but when I mention to him that he is doing this (or something else negative) he becomes argumentative. Then I get into a battle of trying to show him and prove to him that this is what he is doing. He will not admit or accept the fact that he has ADD. His mother (when she was still alive) refused to accept the diagnosis, so he thinks there is nothing wrong and went off his meds and stopped seeing his doctor. He lacks social skills in a "big way" and is extremely unsympathetic. He mimics and waits for you to do something before he will do it. When my father passed away, he never cried unless I cried. Then he only did so for a moment and stopped. He can't read my emotions or other peoples, so he misses the subtle clues that people give when they're upset, annoyed, angry, etc. If you are drinking tea with him, he only picks up the cup when you do. Never initiated on his own. It is really unnerving. He hides things from me (financial problems, etc.), is horrific at communicating. We have seen 4 different counsellors over the years and the one we spent the most time with told me to leave him. He will not take medication, yet he sleeps all the time. He will go to bed early and get up at 8:00 am and then fall asleep in the chair at 9:00 am. I try to tell him to stay in bed and sleep if he's tired. When I tell him to go to bed because he's sleeping, he starts arguing with me that he wasn't sleeping. Usually people that have their eyes closed, head tilted, and are snoring, are sleeping. It got to the point where my children refused to drive with him in the car for safety reasons. I tried to tell him he was falling asleep at the wheel and then he starts to argue and say he's not. His cars fall apart from neglect. We did not replace his last car and I must say I am finally relieved that he's not on the road anymore because I was so afraid he would kill himself and take someone else with him.
I am a very handy person (thanks to my father who taught me how to fix things when I was young) and he gets angry when I fix, build, or do something that is considered a "man's" responsibility. I lived alone with 3 children for 5 years before we met and there were times I needed to be able to do these things. He ends up breaking whatever he is trying to fix and doesn't tell you about it. When you approach him about it, he denies it even though it is obvious that is what happened.
He will break things and not tell me about it and not clean it up properly. You have no idea how many times I have ended up with shards of glass in the bottom of my foot from something he broke. He always denies it, but there is no one else who could have broken it, and then I realize we are down another glass in our cupboards.
Anyhow, I'm sure you can hear the frustration in my words, and I am getting sick of the his answers without listening to the question, the lying, and arguing for no reason.
I guess I could go on for hours, but I have given up trying to help. His symptoms are getting worse, and yet if he is not willing to get help and take the meds and admit he needs them, then there is nothing I can do. I feel more like the mom than the wife. I already have a high stress job and take care of the house, children, finances, just about everything. Don't get me wrong, I have my flaws too. The difference is that I am honest with myself and others about them, and I work at trying to make them better. I sometimes feel like I am the only one trying in this realtionship and didn't know I would have to carry the load for everyone. I need someone I can rely on from time to time. It is hard not being able to trust the information he gives you because if he doesn't know or remember something, he makes it up.
So please hang in there. I know there is help out there for him (and for me), but the medical community needs to realize that this is a problem that affects the whole family, and sometimes I think it is just as bad for the spouse when you have someone that won't admit or can't see the issues.
Keep blogging and maybe together we can commessurate and support each other until we're both at a place of acceptance, peace, and the ultimate, joy!