On April 20th, it will be the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death. He died unexpectantly from complications of a prior suicide attempt> He was just gone....
I lost another brother to suicide when I was 14 years old and he was 18 yrs old. He blew himself away 2 days before Christmas...he was my favorite brother & it took me until my own 18th birthday to finally acknowledge, grieve and accept his death.....

This brother is named John...I don't know how to deal with this "anniversary" because this time I couldn't deal w/ going to the funeral. This brother was 46 years old and I have loved him for my 43 years on this earth. The love was longer...and I think that's making this so hard. I haven't accepted his death yet. I was sober for 5 years, until I "got the call" I haven't been able to stay sober for more than 2 weeks since then. My eating disorders came back. And my own chronic suicidal ideations came back and continue....

I feel I would be dishonoring his "passing" by drinking; considering he was also slowly dying from his chronic alcoholism...but I don't know how to accept or "honor" his passing.

There is a gigantic black sucking hole in my heart My life's energy feels like it's draining.
I come from a very dysfunctional family; I cannot count on them, they just tell me to "snap out of it"

How do you get through the first "anniversary? I'm just feeling as "gone" as he is.....

Any ideas? RSVP?

(((((((((((((DAYZEE))))))))))))))))))