Roz,

This is your disease talking not you. Your addiction wants you to continue to feed it, so it helps you make up reasons / excuses to use. But until you stop drinking you'll never truly feel better. But once you stop drinking your life can get better. It won't happen overnight or be easy. Once I finally stopped I was in a fog for about 6 months but then I started to feel better about myself and things.

But Lenny's right, it wasn't until I admitted that I was completely powerless over my addiction that I was ready to get help - that admission came when I was in the ER on Christmas day 2006 wired up to a bunch of machines that kept beeping because none of my vital signs were normal. I was shaking so badly that I couldn't even hold the pills they were giving me - the nurse had to feed them to me. I came very close to having a heart attack or stroke. That's where alcohol took me. That's also when I decided that I wanted to live and would do anything to stop drinking. I entered treatment in early January 07 and it's been a long and hard road to recovery but it's so worth it.

Roz you've shown yourself as a very caring person on this site, and I hate to see you hurting, and hurting yourself. Only you can make the decision, but I wish you'd consider treatment and stopping feeding your addiction. Once you're out of the cycle you'll be able to start to see what a good person you are.

--splitimage