This is long, but 1/1000 of the story...

I'm so upset. My head is going in a million directions with questions and no answers. I'm trying to keep from panicking.

The little man that I have sunk my everything into for six months now, may be going with momma and daddy more...my fear most of the time. Is that horrible? No. My main concern is that at his very delicate age, he needs stability and special bonding and attention. If he doesn't have that special bonding, he could be setting up for mental illness later when the biological aspects aren't in his favor for not having one as it is.

I have had my little man for six months now. He's been the entire focus in my life. I've let relationships with my husband and daughter go to the back burner to do what I need to for this little guy...to give him EVERYTHING that he needs...emotionally and physically. I quit my job and gave up my career. Most of my therapy has been about him. My therapy came to a stanstill for months. We've all adjusted now, though.

He came to me from two extremely ill (at the time) parents. They did the best they could for as long as they could. They did good by him. Family was always highly involved. There was never abuse or neglect. His parents split up. His father went into the hospital (my brother), and his mother went to heavy drugs. The baby came to me safely. I've had him since. I've done nothing as far as custody because they would not agree. I called children's services to see if anything there needed to be done. They said no, and that by his parents allowing him to be with me when they couldn't do it was still being good parents because they were seeing to the care for their child. I agree. I went into this telling them that in the minute chance they were able to be ok enough to take their son back, I would be so proud of everyone.

The problems?

I'm not conviced that they're well enough for a long enough period of time to take their son back. They don't want to do it overnight. They're actually being very smart about it. They want to start getting him more when they get their new place next month. His mother is finally putting her foot down. She wants her baby more. My brother is the one saying that he doesn't think it's a good idea at this point...more, yes. alot, no.

How has their situation improved? Well, the brother went drug free. He went into the hospital for stabalization. He is now established with mental health services. However, that's by a thread because he's still yet to attend drug and alcohol as they've demanded...another thing telling me it's too soon. His mother went into drugs heavily when the brother went off and went into the hospital. She has now cleaned herself up and is working a good job. She's only been there a month and was offered a new position with a raise...concern there is that it's been a short time without heavy drugs and a short time working. They each can maintain things...but only for short periods of time. They are together again, but they've been on and off again for years...with horrible fights (one I almost called the police about even though the baby was with me). Yes, that was then and this is now, but the now hasn't been for a long period of time.

They have made so many strides and good changes in their lives! I'm so proud of them! However, it's not been for a long enough period of time to suggest complete change. Also, I've learned that they're smoking pot again. Before anyone gets angry...I don't think pot a bad thing. I really don't. However, I know they did a lot more than that. Is pot all they're doing? Are they back into eating xanies like they're candy? Painpills for the buzz? Will his mother be able to stay away from coke? Ugh, too many questions when a precious little life is concerned.

Another aspect of this is too...I will ALWAYS be highly involved. I think when they talk about keeping him more, it means a few days off and on throughout the week. They don't want the resposibility of full time I don't think. They never did...even when he was newborn. So, I think I'll continue to play a huge role at least 3-4 days of the week.

Why am I freaking so badly? Well, for one thing right now they're living about my mother. She keeps an eye and ear out when he's there. Nice. They're moving soon...no eyes and ears. I must remember, he was never abused. I can't let PTSD get ahold of me on this one. Little man bonded with and loves his momma and daddy very much. He loves me and papaw very much too. Can it work sharing responsibility and care for this baby? I don't know. Are they just feeling guilty and want to be around their cute little boy more "for the moment". I don't know. I can't stand uncertainty...especially involving a child. UGH.

I've just been rambling and not making much sense. I wish i could put into words the confusion, concern, worry, loss, fear, excitement, joy, sense of accomplishment, pain, etc. that I feel right now. I'm going through all of this when I don't even know if they're serious and to what extent beucase they don't know themselves

This is hard. I will say this...If he stays in my full time care throughout this summer, or they take him part time then he comes back to me full time...either because they can't get or keep it together...I won't play anymore games. My heart can't stand it. I will go straight to the courts for temporary custody and involve the courts in this process. I deserve this security, but mostly this child deserves and NEEDS this security.

Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. I'm literally spinning right now inside.

KD