Thank you, Junerain, for the kind words. I am much more calm than when I wrote it, since I've pushed the feelings aside (yet again), so now I'm in control of my feelings again.

Katheryn, I do ignore his questions. In fact, I even change the conversations and avoid answering them (that is one thing my dad keeps getting angry at me about), but he insists on asking, and once the whole family starts asking the same question out of curiosity, the pressure of say something different other than "everything's fine, I'm doing good" intensifies, especially since there are now even more people who will not let me be, and want to know what the information I'm avoiding could be.

Weeks are so long these days... Tomorrow I have my 5th T session, and then a neurologist appointment. The sad thing is that this is taking so long, and the need to be done with everything and continue my life, and let this year pass as fast as possible, just become greater and greater. I've had full-blown 30-minute-long panic attacks because everything goes too slow for me, and at other times I become anxious (not exactly panic attacks) because everything goes too fast for me... And waiting 7 days for my next T session is hard for me sometimes, because I want to keep telling her what I think, what I feel, and what i have discovered so far, and hurry up with the diagnosis. Sometimes I discover something (or remember) the day after my session, then it's 6 days that I have to wait until I can tell her, and it gets difficult surviving without being anxious about time going too slow for me until then.

My parents lost the papers where I was officially diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, and my psychologist died, so I need a new certification, otherwise I can't get better, and I'll probably just keep getting worse. And not knowing what's going on inside my head worries me, so the faster time passes, the faster I'll know why I feel what i feel.

And until then... All I can do is swallow my feelings, or write somewhere... And when my journal is too far from me and the computer is nearer, I write here and hope that I end up feeling better.