Life isn't fair... and I know this.... I do...

I am DID... and due to recent very traumatic events in my life... I have shattered....the hard won integration gone... newly created alters.... alters that took care of me not to be found...my "infra-structure of alters.. unknown to me.. to my T.. to my pdoc"

I saw.. my pdoc today... and he said.. "you won't 'do the unthinkable' " (I subsutited a word there unthinkable).... because you... fight... you have a spirit that always.. fights...

You.. he said.. "have gone thru so very much in your life - and look at you - you are still here... still fighting"

He asked me.. if I was angry " about spending the night with a predator.. listening to every vile thing that he had done to each of his victums"..

and.. I said "no, I am numb - why would I be angry - it isn't anything.. that I have not myself experienced..." and he said " you should be angry for the other people"..

and... I feel like I failed the other people... because I am just numb.. numb... numb......

Yet... I am unbearably sad... so.. so.. so.. sad..

Does.. no one hear.. or anyone care... about me????

I am SCREAMING>>>>yet.. my screams... my terror.. my revulsion.. they do not count..

I do not count.. I am "nothing".. not loved... non-existent... a non-entity..

that is me...

I want that on my gravestone... "non-entity" resides here...