Reading this I was gripping my face and head the whole time for you. Please, please, write and write and PM all of us as much as you want! Your therapist is right, you definitely deserve the gold star award for bravery. I am so amazed by you and proud of you. The horrors you have been through and finally getting the nine year old out there to be helped with it are truly astounding. Isn't it amazing all the stuff we've been through, you'd think talking about it would be the easier part, much easier than all that crap we've lived through, but it's like talking about the past is in some ways scarier than the past itself. Sometimes that's what I'd try to tell myself when I'd go to therapy, you've been through worse s**t than this, talking about it's nothing, but it never worked. Kudos to you, you are a very, very, brave and courageous person.

The staying warm thing sounds like an excellent idea. Would a really soft fuzzy fleece blanket help too? When I'm in hell-land and freaking out really badly I'm in so much pain (all psychologically induced of course) that I can't stand anything touching my body and have to take all my clothes off. It feels like I'm having the s**t kicked out of me & every air molecule is a needle poking into my body. But I wrap myself up like a cocoon in the fuzzy blanket and it helps add a layer of protection against the world (plus it feels nice like a soft fuzzy kitten).

And if it's not a trigger, would a stuffed animal be nice for the nine year old too? An animal friend to keep her company. Computer games like Bejeweled are a good distraction too. They don't require so much focus that you can't do them, just enough to keep you distracted yet still let your mind stay tired and do its depressed churning thing in the background. Plus they're a good activity to do during those lonely hours in the middle of the night if you're too afraid to sleep because of nightmares. (Can you tell I've stayed up many a night to avoid sleep & nightmares? )

The sadness must be overwhelming and painful. I hope it starts to feel more healing sometime soon. Body memories suck, especially in places like that, it's the worst and it feels like your own body is turning against you. Let us know whatever you need from us and what we can do for you. I'm sorry you're in pain and sad right now, but I'm glad you had the courage to get the nine year old the attention and help she deserves and needs. We'll stay by here with you. Keep warm and when everything gets dark and blue try to remember we're thinking of you, sending you lots of hugs and support your way. Your bravery is an inspiration for the rest of us.