My Support Forums - View Single Post

Simcha · Sep 20, 2008, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kewkky

I've been reading more and more on ADHD, and I hate more and more my family for letting me turn out how I am today. I was diagnosed at 7 years old, and I accept that diagnosis, because my dad told me that when I was little, I was the living Devil himself... Clogging toilets, hitting people, manipulating, lying, throwing tantrums, eating everything, ignoring people, crying nonstop at night (dont think this is ADHD... it had something to do with all the nightmares of me dying, which were a LOT), and so many more uncontrollable things that I have no knowledge about.

So I was "possessed", according to how my dad described I was when i was small (these were some of the bad things only, I haven't mentioned any of the funny things i did), and I was taken to a psychologist and diagnosed with ADHD (along with an IQ of 139). I was told to take Ritalin for my ADHD, but my dad refused the treatment. He, instead, decided it was a better idea to hit me, throw me around, punch me everywhere, slap my face, yell at me, ground me, instead of actually trying to help me gain control of what I was doing, even at least a little consciousness! So he abused me physically and mentally, and thought it was a smarter idea! My mom never did anything to help me, she practically was nowhere to be seen at these moments, which were sometimes even many times in a day!

Whenever my dad came home from work, I cowered and hid wherever I could before he entered the house because I feared he would attack me again for something I didn't know I did! I also remember one time he was checking my notebooks from school in case I didn't do an assignment (he always hit me and yelled at me, even if he found one "zero" only in the whole notebook), I found myself out of the room, crying uncontrollably and praying to God and all the angels that my dad wouldn't hit me or yell at me, because I couldn't handle it. So much horror in my life when I was just a kid, and it continued afterwards, even while I was in college... But instead of physical abuse, he abuses me mentally, by doing the one thing I hate the most, which i have told him: asking me about my personal life, and personal information, in front of my family or a crowd. I ALWAYS burst out yelling at him to shut up, throwing things around, cursing at everything that moves, crying and blind with rage, and end up depressed and hiding, crying by myself , while my dad acts as if nothing happend and goes to hang out with my brothers.

So now I'm having lots of problems in my life, most involving uncalled-for anger, feelings of loneliness, sometimes even hallucinations of a sort, and the things i read in various different sites (this time http://www.add.org/) show that a child with untreated ADHD can suffer from a WIDE variety of things as he grows up... And me, a child with ADHD, untreated AND abused, am now suffering of who knows what I have (definitely some form of anxiety and depression, among other things), and all because of my family, for not being fully aware of what they were truly doing to me. Sure, the beatings, insults and screams might have shut me up then, but now what are they doing? I can assure you, they are not making my life better. I will NEVER forgive my ******* family, especially my ******* father. If I had the chance, I would even stoop so low as to hit him back, so I can shut him up and show him the whole spectrum of feelings he has created in me.

I am so angry right now... So full of hate... And I hate my ******* mood swings...

Edit: Why is there no "Homicidal" mood icon? >:O Not even angry describes how full of hate I am right now at everyone!
Edit2: My eyes feel like they're gonna pop out, since I'm holding back tears of rage. Why am I not crying or breaking stuff? I'm in a public area with lots of people around...

(((((((KEWKY))))))

You are very brave for posting this. Child abuse is usually minimized and people are very ashamed to speak about it--which is too bad, because it perpetuates the silence over the issue, keeping it dark and hidden from society (so they don't have to deal with something so emotionally charged--they prefer denial to action). The feelings you described are very familiar feeling for me...needless to say, you are far from alone when it comes from being born into an abusive family situation. Kids who have ADHD are usually abused more than the non-ADHD kids because of the ADHD child's visibility and behavior (or lack of meeting unrealistic expectations of the parents, such as perfect grades or whatever).

Curiosity--what reason did your father give you/them for refusing the Ritalin the doctor prescribed for you when you were little? It doesn't matter anymore really, as whatever his reasons were they weren't legitimate in the first place.

How much contact do you have with your parents currently? Does talking to them bring these feelings on (a trigger), or is it something else? You an always PM me if you want to talk in private about how I was able to survive an abusive family situation. I would recommend talking to your T about it too. Also, if your sessions continue with your T and you don't feel like you can open up with her about these things, and/or that she is unhelpful, then I suggest telling her directly and weighing in your mind if it is better to see someone else. I believe you said somewhere else that you have had eight sessions with your T. While that usually isn't enough to tell if your T is helpful, it sometimes is.

What are your thoughts on discussing everything you mentioned here with your T? Don't worry--there isn't anything your father can do to hurt you now. YOU are now in control, and you owe him nothing.
Come back and talk. Talking with other like-minded people with similar experiences always helps (just make sure that the people you talk to about it lift you up and support you, not drag you down).