Hi Pete,
I, too, am very familiar with guilt feelings that have sent me running away from my parents. Then they make up reasons they think I stay away and they are wrong in that reasoning. Mine really hate it when I bring up things from the past even if I do it as tactfully if I can. Maybe they are full of guilt feelings, too, I'm guessing. Mine also think it is not my place to ever question anything about them or many things. I think that is ridiculous. I believe it comes from their religious indoctrination that the "child" should never question the parent. I have struggled with this for so many years and the pain of never being heard. Them refusing to hear. Been ignored forever for questioning them or telling them my feelings. I know that it hurts from my experience.

My parents actually think just because they are the parents that always makes them right! That has made me practically beat my head against the wall (not literally-well, maybe once!).
I think that many times beliefs such as the "child" should be seen and not heard get in the way of relationships between the parent and child. I think mine firmly believe that.

From your mom's letter I think she is trying to convey her love and how she wants the two of you to have affection again. I'm not sure but she seems to be trying to cultivate forgiveness somehow. She seems to want to grow and is trying to find out how to. It also appears she does not want to either bring up the past mistakes of her own or yours. She says she takes responsibility for hers.

Maybe she wants to be closer to you and forgive and forget the past? But she also wants to do it on her terms and I can see the control factor there.

I think that if she wants to grow as she says she does then she needs to be able to accept that you may have things to say about how you feel, too.

A few weeks ago I told my dad that when he kept telling me something over and over and over I felt guilty and then more so as he kept repeating it. He totally misunderstood my point and told me that when people say things to me I should always just say "okay, that's nice." I felt that was telling me not to tell him my feelings or ideas on anything and just to agree with all he says. I think, too, it stems from his beliefs and his need to be in control, too.

Can you see the similarities? I relate a lot to your concerns. Hope to hear more from you.


<font color=purple>"Shared joy is double joy; Shared sorrow is half-sorrow." Swedish Proverb</font color=purple>