thanks everyone

i do have a hard time imagining my kids are better off with me alive no matter how much people tell me it's true. it kills me to think that i won't get to hold them when they turn a year, won't get to hear their first words, which i wouldn't if i were dead

i'm just scared. really scared. fear brings up too many old memories. i've never been okay with meds from doctors because of how i feel about doctors and therapy scares me. i'm not used to accepting help. i feel wrong for it. i'm an adult and i feel like i've always been an adult so it'll never be okay for me to say that i can't do everything myself.

i just feel devoid of something, i feel lonely and vulnerable and needing to just hide away i am trying meds and i've agreed to start therapy but i regret it. i just feel like a freak or a monster. i've been made into one.

i just don't know who i am, sometimes i wonder if i know what i am. i feel so beaten and weak, and leaning on someone else has never been something i've felt acceptable for me to do it's hard to tell myself something is okay and that i'm worth it when i don't really feel like i am.

we've all been shattered lately and all scared. even angry which is not something normal trying to work as a team is hard. i don't really trust parts of me. i don't trust anything. i've isolated myself and i can't stand it, but i'm just confused.

k that probably came out as muddled and stupid but i'm not really sure how to type how i feel