I know I posted this in the new member fourm, but I would really like some in depth analysis or advice. I'm really open for anything right about now. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read all of this. Hi. I'm a 20 year old male college student and I think I suffer from depression. I had a homosexual interaction when I was about 5 where I was taken advantage of and I feel like it shaped the way I am. I have no self esteem, I feel very self consious, am afraid of change, and I think I like feeling this way. For example, I don't wear new styles of clothes because I am so afraid of what others might think of them on me. I don't go to others to help solve my problems I just bury them deep inside.

The funny thing is, if you met me you would never guess I am this way. I can hide the my feelings and thoughts very well. I love when the night rolls around because that's when all of my sadness really hits me hard. It's been getting worse too. This summer there were two nights where I was so distraught I thought briefly of suicide. That is very unlike me. I feel very hopeless. I'm too self consious to pursue the girl I like because I'm afraid of her judging my body. I never let anyone close to me, physically or emotionally, but I love to help others with their problems. I just turned 20 and instead of feeling happy, I felt like I had done nothing in my life, like it means nothing. Its not like I don't have friends, I have plenty and I know I am a very nice guy, but I feel like that doesn't matter. That I'm still worthless. I can honestly say I hate myself and wish I was someone else. I went to a councilor once but stopped after two sittings because I couldn't stand the "aww" "boo hoo" way she was treating me. It made me feel very uncomfortable.
I guess that's all I can think of. Can anyone help me figure out what to do next?