Thank you ((Orange))

I lived the first year or so numb, staring off into space, blank face. Everything was so surreal. No colors down here, only grey from all the water and marsh mud all over. Now three years later, my anger has surfaced to a major high. I fluctuate between the numb and anger. I still live with a surreal feeling, its just not as strong.

I've been seeing a counsler for about a year now, i think. She has been working to help me deal with the ptsd, but not pushing it on me. I had earlier traumas in life that she is focusing on, to help me get past that first. But there are times something comes up about the present. Last week while sitting in the waiting area waiting for her, i noticed across the street that the weeds were a good 7 feet tall and it really started to pisss me off. Cause its all over the parish here, even on my street. Its just businesses and residents that never came back and dont care. When i went in with her i asked her if it bothered her, those high weeds. She said she never really thought about it, but asked me what i thought. I told her. She tried to get me to elaborate on more things that make me angry. But i wouldnt go there. I knew what i would turn into if i did.

I have a bad problem, since childhood of holding everything in and not talking about it. So, talking about the storm from the day we evacuated to the present is still binded inside. Though i give her peeks at it at times. I dont know how i was able to write about the first week here awhile back, but somehow i did. Some friends here and my counsler encouraged me to write it down. First and only time i've done it. Lately, i've been having some try to encourge me to go into the second week. But at that time, back then, it was really bad and not somewhere i choose to go at this time. Like i said, i'd rather keep it bottled up safe inside.

I know the only way to heal is to get it out. But also know it will never go away, it will just be easier to live with it.

I hope my anger and talking this way doesnt upset or trigger anyone. Cause in no way am i trying to do that.

Thank ya'll for sharing your lives with me. It helps me.

hugs,
chal