I have reach the end of the line....for me.. I don't know how to solve the problem.. except..the unthinkable..

I don't know what to do... I am being abused.. I have no safe harbour...no one to turn to... cornered...

My son.. 24.. on the 24th should be such a happy birthday... the golden one it is called...I wanted so badly.. to get a "golden cake".. to celebrate.. but.. I didn't.. because it.. would have ended up.. in the trash.. like last years.... forbidden... by his ex-g/f... therefore... thrown away.. hidden.. so as not to bring down her wrath....

My son... is also.... my ex-husband's son...

From.. the 12 years I was married to him.. then my pregnancy... and divorce.. thru the 18 years of raising my son... the strong parent.. walking a very thin line... controlled.. in many ways by my ex...always very verbally abused.. demoralized.. a "piece of meat"...

And.. I thought that I was FREE... a part of my name FREEWILL - means so many things to me...

BUT... there is a soap opera drama... way to complicated... to explain... the bottom line... is now.. I am abused by.. my ex-husband.. thru.. my son... and also by my son's..ex-g/f's mom... and his ex-g/f... since HS senior...

Going to the Body Work T... I see only one way out today... to.. do the unthinkable to myself.. to be at peace...

Helping my son.. is beyond me... I have been trying and failing.. for 7 years now... re-living.. abuse... by him... thru him...

and.. cutting him out of my life.. means... I break the promise I made to him.. as I held him for the first time...

I would rather not exist...

Is.. there anyone at all out here.. that can help me????

Perhaps.. it is God's will??? that I not exist??? do you think??? is that what God is telling me???
unwanted.. unloved.. forever.. abused...