sob: :bangheaad:

I can't do this anymore!!! I can't hurt anymore, I can't cope!!!!!

I'm trying my hardest and everyone's just making me feel worse.
I have 4 other people in my immediate family who I see everyday (well not quite)... mum, dad, older brother, younger brother
my mum is the only person who is trying to help me with my depression but she goes about it the wrong way and just makes me feel worse (I love her though, she's my mum)
my dad... well, I don't like him. Even before I was depressed he's not a very nice person at all. I'm scared of how much to tell you about him.
my older brother, him and I rarely talk... he's getting anger problems (from my dad I'm guessing) and spends all day every day locked in his room drinking and playing computer and playstation games (which my dad hates, so makes him worse... but then again they're better off apart from each other 'cause that'd make them both worse too)
my younger brother is lovely. Although he shares a bedroom wit our older brother and so is getting more like him. He's very funny and we used to spend a lot of time together, we still get on but avoid each other when I'm depressed because he doesn't like being or talking emotionally/personally.
All of them know I'm depressed... my mum is the only one who acknowledges it. My dad doesn't believe such a thing exists and constantly makes things worse. My older brother wouldn't bat an eye-lid and my younger brother is too scared to talk about things like that... occasionally if he hears me crying he'll make funny noises at me (to cheer me up I guess in his way... a bit like Chandler from Friends-style).
Apart from that I have... had!... my boyfriend who was also my best and only friend. I don't know what's going on with him anymore

I try my very best to find groups and things to go to, to find support groups too. To find jobs (the amount of times I've heard nothing at all back from them is unbelievable and also the amount of times I've been told no due to my past... yes I said PAST health problem.) Noone can see I'm trying, noone can see that I'd do anything, give anything to stop the pain.

I can't write anymore, too upset, crying too much
sorry for writing as much as I did anyway, sorry I'm ranting sorry for being me and sorry for being here

I wish I could run away, I wish I could just be gone

Molly