This is a mixed "bag" - body work T.... the good, the bad, the ugly..... the "things" I have found out about me... it is a challenge.. each and every time to go.. to lower my guard way, way down.. it takes extreme courage and determination.....

I found out "something" that hurt deeply yesterday..

I am a "hugger" and a "toucher".. with the people I love... my son, friends.... it is automatic.. like such... such joy at seeing the people that I love most in the world... and there they are.... and I need to show them.. what they mean to me.. to impart... warmth.. love.. joy..happiness by their presence...

What I didn't realize.. is that when I hug.. when I touch... it is for giving... that I automatically am "numb"... I feel nothing... I "give" them touch.. and they have no idea.. that I am completely numb.. I am so warm.. so outgoing... "how would they know"..I do not feel.. the warmth.. coming back to me... I am.. numb...


Yesterday... I felt.... the holding of the T for the first time.. it is warmth... safety... everything "good" in life.... The.. heel.. of my hand on his shoulder blade... the warmth.. of the touch.. asking him.. "do you feel that"... him squeezing me... asking me.. over and over every few minutes.. "are you there, do you feel me my hands.. on your back".. I always touch his face.. my hand on his face.. it "grounds" me.. reminds me that it is him.. my T... and not one of my abusers.. as my abusers.. not one of them.. did I touch their face.. so it..."grounds" me... let's me know.. yes.. this is.. my T.. and I am safe.. so I do not go back in the past....

And with feeling of his touch... came the realization.. of what was taken from me...and a profound sadness came over me...

The sadness for what also would never be .. in my life.. as I am not prepared to ever have a relationship..

The body work T.. is good... he told the "age old story" of the 2 dragons.. and which to feed.. a choice..a "freewill" choice - hence my name...

The bad dragon.. representing the negative, bad feelings.. or the good dragon... who represents warmth, comfort...

Feeding the good dragon... can be done by more than touch... it can be by what we love in life.. for me stars in the sky, trees.. things like that...

I have always loved the song "boy meets girl - waiting for a star to fall".. and now I know why... it is a magical song... the stars... my alters..elusive... trying to catch.. them.. the bits... the pieces.. that are me...

For those of you that have the courage to "feed your good dragon" - I admire you... for you have more courage than I...

with respect to all.... freewill...