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Mouse_ · Sep 25, 2008, 09:19 AM

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! man this is my anger!!! No, No, I don't want it, make it be about something else, someone else.. let me sit pretty whilst others around me sit with the excruiting pain of ANGER!!!

I've just been out shopping with hubby, and the morning was lovely.... UNTIL!!!! we went to look at some new chairs in IKEA, now its not IKEA that is the problem its me... the armchairs I wanted were in stock ...ok Im getting annoyed at myself at this point because I am more self-aware now and noticed how I was feeling all happy because I was getting what I wanted ... I guess we''re allowed to enjoy a certain amount off pleasure ..but for me I've always hated that my adoptive mother was happy when she was getting material things ...but the once the joy of having gotten what she wanted becomes old news, she'd revert back to "monster" mum... so the armchairs are in stock and then we get to the warehouse and the chairs aren't flatpacked ...I mean come on, Ikea? Not flat packed? and hubby says, we're proberbly get 1 in the back of the car, but not 2 ...by now I've gone, I'im lost .... I'm in 3yr old terroritory... NOW I'm wanting hubby to "fix" it!!!! ....say something ....tell me we can do this, NOW, because I dont' do disappointment ...hubby seems to be humming and arring ....and mentions something about finding out how much delivery will cost....but now this is going into major temper tantrum mode for me .....we're walking around in circles and he attempts to ask someone about delivery but I dont want this!!!!! (kicks feet and sucks thumb), I want something and I want it now!!!!!!!!!! I screw the reciept up in my hand and say "forget it, just forget it", I need him to see my rage, I need him to attempt to "take it " from me...but at the same time, I've more aware of this now, I'm aware of the fix I've got myself into and don't want to be there, but dont know what else to do...then I got a mental image of the times I feel this same rage in session with T ...where I am literally seething and T just sits "with me", but I want her to do something, to take it from me, just like what was happening today, and then I thought, this can't be about not getting something, because this is familiar ....this happens other times about other things also ....this is me, my rage, my baby rage...I've got to own it ........life would be so much nicer without this ...hubby knows me off old and goes within himself to avoid me at times like this ...I've just sat and said much of what I've said here to him, to at least do something differently, beause in the past I do the "silent treatement"...man what a ***** I must be to live with at times like this...sigh!!... as I tried to explain this to Hubby just now, he said, I know, I could see you changing into a 6yr old, he said but why? so you didn't get something, and with this he strugs his shoulders, and that was pissing me off coz I am trying hard here to change and I dont want reprimand for trying to explain what I'm trying to change ...but "normal" people dont get it when they have "normal" emotion filters, he doesn't understand that my emotions get stuck someplace and feel like they're having to go through a cheesegrater just to be processed EVENTUALLY!, ...but today I hope is the first step in dealing with this sort of rage,...I dont want to be like this, its hard and it hurts......but having a visual of T sitting with me in moments like this helped me feel it a bit more...helped me tolerate what feels like an impossible emotion...but I still feel as if someone is laughing at me and enjoying watching me struggle with this, perhaps this is because thats just how it was once upon a time...oh well time to go take it out on a potato and do dinner LOL!