will there come a point in therapy at which i begin the climb up and out instead of continuing to pick my way downward? Will there come a point at which i feel better.. even ok.. after most sessions, instead of upset? will there be a time when i do not feel this longing?

for a long time everything about my life was better than it had been.. i got out more, i began making a few friends, i was in my own place... things were looking up. But now... the friendships have not deepened, i'm lonely, i keep busy to avoid realizing that i don't have a lot, other than T, to look forward to.. i mean, i have things to *do*.. but nothing that makes me happy. Tomorrow i am having people over for pizza.. i do it because i feel i have to keep trying to be social. It makes me cringe..

there are people who i care about and who care about me... friends i've had for over 30yrs in some cases.. but they all live very far away... i'm alone.

i've been noticing a deeper, stronger draw to T lately... nothing romantic at all, nothing even remotely sexual.. not that sort of thing... but a drawn, a longing. It interests me as much as it haunts me. i know this is some sort of transference issue... and one clue is that it isn't always aimed at T and it isn't always there. i think the feeling surrounding him is related to my wanting him to ease my pain... make it stop somehow. i keep wanting to cling... i feel very much like a small lost child... trying to get this stranger to take me back to my home... but there isn't any home, and i am not a child. i am a very confused and heart sick adult without a healthy sense of self, a damaged identity, low self esteem, low confidence, almost nonexistent self worth... and with no real deep, safe, healthy reciprocated attachment to anyone she sees regularly or frequently.

will there come a day when i look out over my own little corner of the world and feel contentment with what i see?