Quote:
Originally Posted by Candika
i've been noticing a deeper, stronger draw to T lately... nothing romantic at all, nothing even remotely sexual.. not that sort of thing... but a drawn, a longing. It interests me as much as it haunts me. i know this is some sort of transference issue... and one clue is that it isn't always aimed at T and it isn't always there. i think the feeling surrounding him is related to my wanting him to ease my pain... make it stop somehow.
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Wow, this makes so much sense to me. Before T, I spent years searching, searching, searching, searching. I tried spiritual stuff, I tried AA, I've spent hours upon hours staring at the self-help and psych books at Barnes and Noble. Now it's like I've focused ALL of that searching onto T. Huh. I never thought of it that way.
And on the weekend, when he is unavailable, I find myself sometimes back at the bookstore, doing the searching, searching, searching thing again. It doesn't feel fun, or good. It feels kind of desperate and longing.
Will there be an end to it? I don't know. I hope so, and I guess I think T is my best shot at it finally ending some day. I just don't know what else to do. Nothing else has worked.
((((((((((((((((((((((((( candika )))))))))))))))))))))))))) It's a painful spot to be in, for sure.
