Candika, what does your instinct say? does it say this is a healthy, honest pain of facing things, OR is it saying, this is just driving you into an ever increasing need and longing?
In my own past if I'd been asked that question, I would have said, "its unhealthy, but just one more and its going to turn a corner and be healthy" and every corner needed another corner... eventually I had enough and left.
With my caliT. I have all those love and longing feelings, but its a healty process and it feels I'm getting through something. But I dont want to put you off, sometimes you have to walk through the pain, but only IF its healthy pain. Theres a world of difference, you'll know the difference...
r.
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Originally Posted by Candika
will there come a point in therapy at which i begin the climb up and out instead of continuing to pick my way downward? Will there come a point at which i feel better.. even ok.. after most sessions, instead of upset? will there be a time when i do not feel this longing?
for a long time everything about my life was better than it had been.. i got out more, i began making a few friends, i was in my own place... things were looking up. But now... the friendships have not deepened, i'm lonely, i keep busy to avoid realizing that i don't have a lot, other than T, to look forward to.. i mean, i have things to *do*.. but nothing that makes me happy. Tomorrow i am having people over for pizza.. i do it because i feel i have to keep trying to be social. It makes me cringe..
there are people who i care about and who care about me... friends i've had for over 30yrs in some cases.. but they all live very far away... i'm alone.
i've been noticing a deeper, stronger draw to T lately... nothing romantic at all, nothing even remotely sexual.. not that sort of thing... but a drawn, a longing. It interests me as much as it haunts me. i know this is some sort of transference issue... and one clue is that it isn't always aimed at T and it isn't always there. i think the feeling surrounding him is related to my wanting him to ease my pain... make it stop somehow. i keep wanting to cling... i feel very much like a small lost child... trying to get this stranger to take me back to my home... but there isn't any home, and i am not a child. i am a very confused and heart sick adult without a healthy sense of self, a damaged identity, low self esteem, low confidence, almost nonexistent self worth... and with no real deep, safe, healthy reciprocated attachment to anyone she sees regularly or frequently.
will there come a day when i look out over my own little corner of the world and feel contentment with what i see?
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