im so sorry... i didn't mean that the longing and pain are being caused or drawn out by T.. i think he is a fantastic T, there really couldn't be a better one for me.

i was thinking after writing this post that i might just give it to T.. because i think it says something i haven't been able to express... about that feeling like a lost child. But now i am not sure.. i certainly don't want to give him or anyone the impression that i think he or my process with him is unproductive or unhelpful. i get a lot from therapy.. i have made many positive changes.

the longing and that anguish are coming from things i have not and can not talk to T about... at least not yet. Some of those things are from my past, some from my family, and some are about my relationship with T. All big, all scary. i will talk to him but this takes time. i am approaching a new transition phase i think and i am having a lot of painful realizations and such. i'm approaching some new trust issue obstacles... so talking about things like new reasons to fear he would abandon me are really hard.

would anyone relish telling your T that you feel the way that i do? i don't want to tell him that i feel like that little girl... or that i'd sell everyone i love to gypsies if he would just make the pain inside stop.

i am very sorry to have created confusion... my sadness and longing are about the things in my past that i cannot reach, or believe i cannot change. If i believe that i cannot change them then i am faced with two possibilities, either someone else (T) changes them for me or they remain unchanged. i cannot face door #1 or #3... so i am rocking myself gently, in the corner... interally pleading for T to make door #2 come true, even though i know that isn't reality.

i care about my T very deeply and genuinely.. no funny business. He's a caring person who has been so good for me, vital even. Without him i would not have survived last winter, nor would i be trying to do many of the things i currently do... i am just stuck... and therapy hurts like a $%#@!^&