**Trigger icon applied for mention of suicial ideation and some abuse.

It all feels so overwhelming right now (It = therapy, life, all of my relationships). My depression is dragging me way way down and my session yesterday was focused on how that feels. I told T it felt as though I was under a thick blanket, a fog that i couldn't cut through. I was really feeling the heaviness and so was he. We talked about about my suicidal ideation. The session traveled between analytical and practical.

I was sitting on the couch and T asked me to stand up. I sort of catapulted myself because it required a lot of energy to simply get up and we both stood. I moved around the room a bit continuing to talk. We both noticed an immediate increase in my energy level. He said that he had debated whether or not to ask me to do that but he wanted me to notice that I needed to make changes in order to fight the depression, that it takes sort of a counter action (my words) to fight it. He meant both "in the moment" action (like changing your physical position) to self care changes (like vitamins, exercise, nutrition). He said he was pushing me hard, not to annoy me (although he's really good at this-lol) but because he wants me alive.

I sink so low I scare myself and then I think I scare T too.

If depression is anger turned inward then I need to figure out the anger. I have plenty to be angry about, so how to release this? Is this the little girl who hid under a blanket when the beatings occurred? She was not allowed to express any anger.

T said I don't have to sulk; that I can be angry girl. That actually sounds appealing but I have no idea how to get there. I feel pushed down, and as though I have something big and thick to push through.

Peace.