At my session a few days ago, I was expressing a lot of anxiety, which for me can come out in a kind of stressed, impatient, short/quick manner. I'm not at my best! I know I can dump a lot of "worst case scenario" irrational thoughts when I do this. I can even be conscious of it, but T's office has become safe for me, and it is nice to be able to be irrational once in a while, since I usually am a highly rational person (perhaps a curse). I would never subject a friend to this, and rarely subject T to this.

When T asked me a question that indicated he completely did not understand something we had talked about at least half a dozen times before, I said, using his name, "________, no, that's not it, blah blah blah" in a rather forceful and sharp way. I was annoyed he did not understand this. At that point, he got out of his seat across from me, and went to stand some distance away, and he talked to me from there. It was weird, he was standing, and very far away. I wondered why, but didn't connect the dots. Eventually he came back and sat down across from me.

It was not a very connected session. On the way out, he gave me a hug, and said "we'll get you through this divorce." I guess that was meant to be encouraging, but it made me feel bad because it fell on my alternative universe ears as him defining his "job"--to get me through the divorce--and then he would be done with me. And glad of it. I also wondered about the hug. We had not hugged for the last few sessions,which were extremely connected. Maybe no need for a hug? But in this session, which to me was NOT GOOD, not connected at all, he hugs me?

Later at home, I thought more about how weird it was he moved away from me. Maybe he moved away because he couldn't stand to be near me when I spoke to him in that sharp way, reprimanding him. I felt really bad about that and remembered how he had told me several times before about the way his (ex-)wife would speak to him--angry, yelling, abusive, etc. And that made me feel even worse, that I was acting like his ex-wife, who he had divorced partly because he finally said ENOUGH to that behavior. And therefore he hated me and so went to stand on the opposite side of the room so he wouldn't have to be near me. Man, I felt bad about that. And I also felt awful thinking he was using some sort of behavior modification technique on me, like punishing my annoyed tone by withdrawing his presence from me, and when I went back to speaking more pleasantly, he rewarded me with his close presence. I hate being treated like a dog.

I wrote him an email that night in which I recast my anxiety in a very adult way, that I realize now was what I thought he would approve of. I wanted to let him know I had heard his message (about what I was anxious about) and had come to see an adult, rational solution. I didn't send it, but waited until morning. Then I reread it and still didn't send it. Something held me back. I realized the true intent behind the email was not to tell T I was handling my anxiety "better" and had heard his message, but to apologize for my behavior in session. I was scared that because of my sharp remark to him, he would now hate me and maybe "divorce" me like he had his wife. So in my email I was now being all nice and showing him how enlightened I was in my thinking. Yuck! When I realized the true intent of the email, I was really glad I hadn't sent it. I do not want to be sucking up to my T. Our relationship is more genuine than that and I would be dishonoring it by sending that email. If I'm sorry about something, I need to be direct and apologize, not somehow try to make amends by writing things I think are the things he wants to hear.

I was a little worried two days later when I had a big legal meeting and T would be there. Would he not want to be near me again? But he was his normal self, very warm and supportive. That helped me to realize my fears were in large part an irrational fabrication, and also to renew my belief in the strength of our bond. After a particularly intense interchange in the meeting, I took a break with my lawyer and we went to discuss things out in the hall, and T came up to us and gave me a lot of guidance and advice. At a much faster pace than in therapy. Kind of overwhelming.

Toward the end of this conversation, I did something I rarely do with people--I reached out and touched T lightly on his elbow as I said something to him. I never do this with anyone! This is really interesting to me that I did this to T. He was great with it--accepted it and kept on talking. It wasn't like he drew back from hot coals or anything, or immediately retreated to the other side of the room. I think it was just my way of trying to get the extra support I needed from him in that difficult moment and to connect, which was a little hard with my L standing right there. So I touched him.