Huh. I'm not sure what to make of today's session. I don't know if I haven't had time to process it, or if there's nothing to process, or....????

We talked a lot about that 7 year old me, and how bad I think she is. And the fact that for me, I believe she is THE REAL ME, not this grown up me who has had all of these years to add layer upon layer of defense mechanisms and behaviors, and personality traits and whatnot. He asked, what did she do that was bad? What did she say? Well, NOTHING. Nothing at all. It's just who she IS.

Anyhow, that's kind of how the session went. I know he wants me to love and accept her, but...no. I'm not there.

I tried, REALLY HARD, to not put up the wall. I tried to peel back the armor some to let him in. But then.... I told him that I think HE is the one with the wall. That maybe my feelings about him are so strong that it scares him, or repulses him. He asked, why can't I just accept the feelings you have for me? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!! oy.

He did come and sit with me. I know this will make me sound crazy (crazier?!) but I almost couldn't believe he could get across the room to me, through all of the walls. I'm serious. But, he made it over, and connecting with touch did help a little.

I guess part of what I'm scared of is that the 7 year old wants to tell. She wants to talk. She's told a little, and she wants to tell more. It's like if *I* accept her and if *T* accepts her, then she's going to open her mouth and she's going to tell and it's going to hurt and be scary. I think that's what it all boils down to.

So. There's me processing my session in real time. I haven't thought about it until I started writing this post.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Kind of numb, I think, because when I peek at what else there is, it's FEAR.

I hate feeling like this. It's like the little me needs to be held, hugged, soothed, reassured. I feel so exposed and frightened. Eeeek.