Thanks,

Yeah, we have a lot of resources at my school, thankfully. We have 2 school social workers, like 8ish school guidence counselors, and even two school psycologist. I go to a huge school, so I am lucky to have many resources, the reason the reason I haven't gone, is that I'm just too scared to. . . I know that once this is done, its for life. That scares me to death. I haven't been suicidal in a while, but I do get suicidal. I always remember a time that I spent the day with my family at a local amusement park, and we were there from 12 noon to 7pm, but I wanted to stay until closing, and I couldn't, I acted like a child, but everyone else was tired, so I had no choice. My 4yr old cousin was with us too, so I had the stroller. I remember being incredibly suicidal. I just wanted to dissapear forever. I took the stroller and walked out of the park, and I just kept walking. People behind me were talking about how childish I was acting, and how selfish and spoiled I was. The parking lot is really big, so it was a long walk down a straight path, and I just kept walking, and I closed my eyes and pretended that if I kept walking, then the earth would swollow me whole. I remember gripping the stroller so hard my knuckles were white, and my arms shook. I remember my little cousin running to keep up, and in that genuine little girl voice going "Are you okay? Wait for me! Whats wrong?"
Its been quite a while since I've been suicidal, and anytime I get that way, I lock my door, go in my room, curl under the covers, and try to just dissapear. One good thing about rapid cycling- I'm usually not depressed long enough to actually make a valid suicide attempt. I remember this past december, i started tracking my moods and on the 15th, I went from extremely suicidal, to off the walls, racing thoughts hypomanic.

I never really thought too much about what would happen if no one took me seriously. I've thought about people not believing me, of assuming I'm just another regular teen, but I always felt that once I began to explain my symptoms in detail, then I'd be taken seriously. I don't know. I'm scared to go, I don't want my life to change. I mean, I dont want the moodswings, of course, but I don't want anything else to change. I"m just...stuck.