gosh.. thanks for responding guys. i hope i don't miss anyone's points.. here goes:

first.. i had maybe 2 hous of sleep.. i know that sleep helps re-set the anxiety clock but my doggy was sick and i was up throughout the night. i feel like a ... well, best not to say. The anxiety kicks back in a few milliseconds after i open my eyes from a nap even. i have left T numerous messages without asking for a call-back. i need to sit through this. i did change my sessions in two weeks from 1 to 2, so i will be doing 1,2,1 for now.

ok.. sannah.. yes, i am keenly aware of many of the things i do. painfully. i have struggled with them, and it was the subject of a recent voicemail to T. For the past year and 8 months and 26 days i have tried very hard to work on that stuff myself, making friends, making a network so as not to rely on any one person, trying to stay social if at all possible (also to help my issues with social anxiety issues that sometimes prevent me from leaving the house). i mentioned that stuff to T before but not indepth. i was doing everything i could outwardly do. Trouble is though, that without that inner stuff, the rest doesn't stick. i keep people at an emotional distance, i don't trust them, i feel bad even when someone actually gives me what i need emotionally... and then i flee.
yes... that was exactly what i was getting at.. badly said on my part maybe? i was meaning that the longing and sadness stem from my past, and nothing there can be changed... what is open to change is today. i want to believe T can help me make that change... but in the brutal reality that is my heart, i don't believe i can change and often don't even grasp what might need change.. T and i talk a lot about the gap between intellectual understanding and belief. To quote him ".. if beliefs were easy to change.. well, they wouldn't be beliefs, now would they?

we work a lot on identifying those beliefs... and what ones functioned "then" vs now. i have a hard time with this...it sounds easy but isn't. T explained it like someone who lived in South Africa during apartheid (sp?)... without someone telling them, or some outside influence, would they be able to recognize the problem they lived in socially? Well.. even he said this wasn't a perfect example, but think about it... if you grow up in a family that puts you down, you are more likely to accept something being wrong with you as just plain reality, instead of something you should question. So.. sifting through beliefs is something tedious and confusing. i can't point out or talk abuot things i dont see as wrong.

pach.. yeah... on the other hand... how long can anyone suffer without feeling this way? and can we or should we feel one bit bad about it? i suffered so much, needlessly, for the sake of others.... and for lesser reasons i think.

minime.. i saved yours for last, not just because you replied last but because responding to it really updates what today brought out for me. T would never "reject" me.. would not make me go away... and would always try to work with me on whatever i felt. He says feelings just are. i just can't talk to him about these newer discoveries.. not yet.. maybe never, i dont know. It took a year and a half to feel he was on my side.. to trust him at all.

It's going to be harder now. A lot boiled up in this.. it is more like an eruption than a chain reaction. This stuff didn't get triggered.. it got broken through to.. and it came up and out with fury and force. It broke me down to my knees and i had no idea it was coming. A lot of my hesitation comes from this development.. what if this happens over and over.. what will i do in between during times like this? The pain is deafening and the need to even speak to T gets so strong... and if anyone has missed the analogy present throughout this thread.. think hard, listen hard and maybe you can imagine the sound of an infant crying so hard that it is almost unable to gasp for air in between.

other parts of the hesitation come from the newness of the things i have realized... and the bed feelings.. it doesn't help for me to tell myself it is ok... i don't believe inside that it is ok.. for reasons i can't discuss here, but T knows that part at least.

today has ripped my heart out... in bloody bits... i need to believe in certain things i know not to be true.. to functionnow and i can face those illusions when other things stabilize. Oliver Sacks wrote about a man who had lost all his memories that followed his arriving back in port on a navy ship when he was 21, but the man was now in his 40's i think... someone showed the guy a mirror and he lost the colour in his face.. he got so upset they took the mirror away and in a few minutes he was ok again, once again 21 and just in port. That is like me... i need to be allowed my illusions and delusions for now... i need to not see that mirror before i can handle it. i can see small parts, but not the whole thing. i'm not stable enough.

my goals are clear to me... but i also admit that we are not all strong enough to live in the truth.. i do not know if the things i want are worth the things i would have to face. i'm not looking to just do better, to improve my self esteem... whatever, i want the full monty. i want to trace back the root issues (notice i dont say causes) and dig them up. i want to strip off all the necrotic psyche and help it heal... what i want is like a burn victim undergoing treatment. So... imagine that instead of just looking at the immediate, recent burns.. imagine that what i am deciding is to expose myself to a flame. i'm setting old, scarred flesh ablaze.. those scars have malformed and restrict my being.

so what i have to lose becomes more evident i would think.

T does not push this idea.. he knows i want to stop falling on my face, stop having bad relationships, stop tripping myself up.... he knows i went into this with deeper long term work in mind. He knows i am so timid inside despite what is outside.. he knows how long it was for me to trust.. he knows quite a lot. He has been gentle, allowing me to choose the direction, the pace, the depth. He has been solid... not even a hesitation on his part. He hasn't flinched.

thanks for responding.. it really helped lift my spirits