It's going to be harder now. A lot boiled up in this.. it is more like an eruption than a chain reaction. This stuff didn't get triggered.. it got broken through to.. and it came up and out with fury and force. It broke me down to my knees and i had no idea it was coming. A lot of my hesitation comes from this development.. what if this happens over and over.. what will i do in between during times like this? The pain is deafening and the need to even speak to T gets so strong... and if anyone has missed the analogy present throughout this thread.. think hard, listen hard and maybe you can imagine the sound of an infant crying so hard that it is almost unable to gasp for air in between.

other parts of the hesitation come from the newness of the things i have realized... and the bed feelings.. it doesn't help for me to tell myself it is ok... i don't believe inside that it is ok.. for reasons i can't discuss here, but T knows that part at least.

today has ripped my heart out... in bloody bits... i need to believe in certain things i know not to be true.. to functionnow and i can face those illusions when other things stabilize. Oliver Sacks wrote about a man who had lost all his memories that followed his arriving back in port on a navy ship when he was 21, but the man was now in his 40's i think... someone showed the guy a mirror and he lost the colour in his face.. he got so upset they took the mirror away and in a few minutes he was ok again, once again 21 and just in port. That is like me... i need to be allowed my illusions and delusions for now... i need to not see that mirror before i can handle it. i can see small parts, but not the whole thing. i'm not stable enough.

my goals are clear to me... but i also admit that we are not all strong enough to live in the truth.. i do not know if the things i want are worth the things i would have to face. i'm not looking to just do better, to improve my self esteem... whatever, i want the full monty. i want to trace back the root issues (notice i dont say causes) and dig them up. i want to strip off all the necrotic psyche and help it heal... what i want is like a burn victim undergoing treatment. So... imagine that instead of just looking at the immediate, recent burns.. imagine that what i am deciding is to expose myself to a flame. i'm setting old, scarred flesh ablaze.. those scars have malformed and restrict my being.

so what i have to lose becomes more evident i would think.


Appears like you are completely into you therapy and your torture spells that great changes are due... Otherwise you wouldn't be feeling so raw. In a way the therapy is doing exactly what its supposed to.
When you talk about a feeling that you want the T to take care of you, it probably like an old abandonment wound that has been re-activated because of your growing trust in your T. Which is good, because it means that ur capacity to trust is re-opening. Do take your own time in this phase, discuss with him or not, you will be able to work through this given time and pain. In my experience this is a pain that you probably faced and without experiencing it fully suppressed it out of your conscious thoughts. Mourning that loss, even if it is not obvious in the current scenario is the way to change.

'my goals are clear to me... but i also admit that we are not all strong enough to live in the truth.. i do not know if the things i want are worth the things i would have to face. i'm not looking to just do better, to improve my self esteem... whatever, i want the full monty'

This sounds so right to me........ I think you are headed in the right direction, even though painful.